“A Dad is a guy with no  money and a lot of pictures.” — Anon

Clark Rockefeller made headlines when he took his seven year old daughter in Boston on July 27 during his first supervised visitation with a social worker.  Rockefeller lost custody last December when the mother relocated to London for work.

Rockefeller turned himself in in Baltimore and now faces felony charges in Boston.

Some websites portray Rockefeller as a hero of fathers’ rights and are using his case to draw attention to problems with the family court system.

Dahlia Lithwick, writing at Slate.Com, recognizes these problems:

“Many good fathers will be downgraded from full-time dads to alternating-weekend-carpool dads. They will be asked to pay at least one-third of their salaries in child support for that privilege. Simple rules of modern life make it likely that an ex-wife will someday decide that a job or new husband demands a move to a faraway state. At which point the alternating-weekend-carpool dad is again demoted—to a Thanksgivings-if-you’re-lucky dad.”

But, she notes, that “lionizing Clark Rockefeller or other violent, lawless fathers will not promote fathers’ rights or fix the family-court system.”

She’s right.  The system is imperfect.  But until we come up with something better, it’s the best we’ve got.  As Rockefeller found out, taking the law into your own hands will not work.

By Jill H. Breslau

Language can impact our thinking and behavior. Language in statutes regarding custody, for example, can influence –if only in a subtle way—how we perceive our relationship to our children.

For example, in Maryland, where I practice now, and many other states, custody of your own children is described as a right. As a parent, you have a right to the companionship of your children, you have the right to teach and guide them, to nurture them, to direct, and control their behavior. You have the right to decide where your children go to school, whether and where they attend religious services, what kind of medical treatment they receive and from whom. In Maryland, custody may be shared or sole, and the other parent may be awarded access or visitation.

In Florida, where I used to practice, and in several other states, the “custody” and “rights” language has been deliberately replaced by different vocabulary with a different perspective. Parents in Florida are not awarded custody. Instead, parents have responsibility for their children, and parental responsibility, at divorce, can be shared by both parents or can be delegated to one parent alone. With shared parental responsibility, parents share time with their children and both parents are entitled to have full information about the children and to share in major decision-making for the children. Sole parental responsibility is awarded only when sharing would be detrimental to a child.

I believe the difference in language—rights versus responsibilities—impacts the way we approach custody in divorce. If we believe in our rights, then we have to fight for them, and we have to win them. Our children, on some level, are perceived as objects to be gained or lost. There is a sense of ownership, rather than relationship.

On the other hand, if we perceive that we are undertaking responsibilities to our children, we may be more cautious about considering what is really best for them. We may be more focused on how we can accomplish the tasks associated with child-rearing than on establishing our parenting superiority.

“In 85% of divorces, fathers get just two weekends a month and a couple of hours during the week.” — Mike McCormick of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children.

With the divorce and custody trial of Christie Brinkley vs. Peter Cook in the news, the Intelligence Report at Parade Magazine is asking if divorce courts are anti-dad and is taking a survey on this question:

“Should divorced dads get equal time with their kids?”

Parade notes that up to half of fathers lose contact with their kids after a divorce even with a trend toward shared custody over the past twenty years.

Proportional time is a new legal trend according to Jennifer Rosato of Philadelphia’s Drexel University School of Law, where “the custody decision is based on the time dads spent with their children before the divorce, rather than presuming that dads have, and want, limited involvement with their kids.”

But, says McCormick, “Courts want a check first and a relationship second.”

As a father, you have certain rights and responsibilities with respect to your children. You do not need a court order to obtain your rights as a father. You already have them. They are guaranteed by the United States Constitution and the laws of your state. Until and unless a court rules otherwise, your rights as a father and as a parent include the right to:

• be an influence in your children’s lives, be involved, interact, and spend time with them;
• love and nurture your children without harassment from the other parent;
• decide where your children will live;
• participate in the parenting of your children;
• see the school and medical records of your children;
• attend and participate in your children’s extra-curricular activities;
• have the custody, care and control of your children;
• select your children’s school and determine whether it will be home, public, or private;
• determine your children’s religious faith and practices;
• determine your children’s doctors, dentist, and medical treatment;
• follow your own beliefs and parenting style during your time with the children without interference from the other parent;
• guide and discipline your children; and,
• decide what is best for your children.

In addition to your rights, you also have certain duties, obligations and responsibilities, too. As a father and a parent, you have the responsibility to:

• support your children;
• provide them with food, shelter, and clothing;
• see that they obtain appropriate medical treatment;
• provide access to their schooling;
• protect them from harm and neglect;
• foster their relationship with their other parent; and
• give them all the love, nurturing and encouragement you possibly can.

My blood was boiling when I read an article by Elizabeth (“ Liz”) J. Kates, of Pompano Beach, Florida, who calls herself a “holistic lawyer”. In her article railing against Parental Alienation as a theory, there is a list of names she says to stay away from in your child custody case. And my name is smack there in the middle of the list!

Now I don’t know Liz. I have never spoken to her. I never had a case against her. I couldn’t pick her out of a line up of two.

But the source of her animosity towards me is that I am listed on the Parental Alienation Awareness website (along with many PhD’s and other professionals) as a lawyer who handles these types of cases. Liz seems to think that Parental Alienation is a big fraud and that Reunification Theory is a lot of nonsense.

Well, I don’t think it takes a lot of common sense to know that some parents alienate their children against the other parent. Alienation can involve words or conduct and it may be done consciously and unconsciously. It can be covert or direct. But if you have been the victim of it, whether as a mother or a father, you know it is real.

So Liz can rant all she wants, and tell you to stay away from me, but I am still going to be handling these cases and standing up for good parents and children everywhere against those who would advocate parental alienation and hostile parenting.

With Father’s Day approaching on June 15, ChildWatch, a family advocacy group in Bermuda, is holding a letter writing contest for children to highlight the importance of fathers.  Children ages seven to eighteen are asked to explain in a letter, 500 words or less, “why your dad is a wonderful dad to you”.

There are four age categories and four winners with the child’s father winning prizes too, including: a bicycle radio, DVD player, TV, stereo and free buffets for two families of three at the Elbow Beach Hotel in Bermuda (plane tickets not included).

The letter should be titled “Letter to Dad” and at least 100 words.  Letters should be neatly handwritten or typed and emailed to childwatch.bermuda@yahoo.com or mailed to ChildWatch, suite No. 1080, #48 Par-la-Ville Road Hamilton HM 11, no later than May 30.

According to Tari Trott writing for The Royal Gazette of Bermuda, judges will be looking at the author’s ability to write articulately and passionately.  Post your letters in the Comments section below as well.

Julian Mariscal is a father of four in the midst of a divorce and custody battle in Kennewick, Washington.

Apparently facing a court decision that mom should have custody and he would get visitation every other weekend, Mariscal says, “Four days a month, that’s not enough.”

To combat it, he’s organized a walk for dad’s like him, who believe they’ve been treated unfairly by a family court system that favors the mother. The walk starts at the Kennewick Courthouse at noon on Father’s Day.

“All I’m asking is that they give us the opportunity, us men, fathers to have equal rights, just make it 50/50,” he said according to KNDO TV.

FirstWivesWorld.Com is celebrating Mother’s Day the whole month with a series of articles on children and divorce. I think that several of these articles apply to fathers as well. For example there is an excellent article by Dr. Scott Haltzman on creating two homes for the children after a divorce.

Individual Space

Dr. Haltzman recommends that each parent create an individual space exclusively for the children, which includes:

• A sleep area specifically dedicated to the children
• Age appropriate space in the bathroom for toiletries or make up
• Uncluttered room to study or do homework
• A storage area or closet for your children’s belongings
• Designated space to play or exercise.

“Even if you have a fold out bed, and a desk that pulls out from under a table, with a bath basket of special supplies, your children will get the message that they have a home with you, says Dr. Haltzman.

Basic Necessities

He also provides this list of basic necessities to give children a sense of identity and belonging:

• Personal clothes (especially undergarments)
• Study materials (paper, computer, no. 2 pencils-you get the idea)
• Books and toys that reflect your child’s personal tastes
• A means of communication (cell phone, land line, etc) between your ex- and your children
• A daily planner or calendar to help you child keep track of his or her schedule.
• Finally, it must be a home to your child. And the only ingredient you need for that is your love.

It is still relatively difficult for an able bodied man in a full-employment economy to get alimony in a divorce. But it is no longer impossible.

While the number of men receiving alimony is only four percent nationally, that percentage is up from zero thanks to equal rights, high income women in the work force and more dads staying home and taking care of the children.

Although many men are embarrassed to even ask for alimony in their divorces, according to CNN, more financially independent women are willing to pay it to avoid conflict.