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Thyden Gross and Callahan LLPCounselors and Attorneys at Law

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Archive for November, 2008

Thanksgiving Survival Guide for Divorced and Separated People

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

You probably didn’t expect to be divorced or separated on Thanksgiving at this time in your life.  You probably feel like saying, “Gee, thanks for another #@*!! personal growth experience.”  Well, instead of staying at home feeling sorry for yourself and ordering pizza for Thanksgiving, here are some ideas to help you make it through the long holiday weekend.

The first thing you have to do is get into action.  Move your body and the head will follow.  Go for a walk or a jog.  Get to the gym and start losing that marriage fat.  Start a dance class or take tennis lessons.  Any activity is good that will get you moving.  Don’t think about it.  Just do it.  Force yourself.

The next thing to do is build a support network.  This can be your friends, relatives, religious leader, neighbor or therapist.  Join a support group.  Participate in online support groups.  It may seem to you that you are the only person in the world going through a divorce, but you are not alone.

Now, get outside of your troubles.  Find someone with problems bigger than yours and help them.  Volunteer to feed the homeless for Thanksgiving.  Visit a nursing home or a hospital.

Invite some friends over for a potluck supper.  Everything is attitude.  Stay positive and strong and have a great Thanksgiving.  Leave a comment if you have an activity or idea that helped you survive Thanksgiving when going through a divorce.

The Deceiver and the Denier

Monday, November 17th, 2008

Timing is something you need to be aware of in a divorce.  Sometimes one person gets ahead of the other in the process.  One person is ready to negotiate an agreement and move on while the other person is a basket case and incapable of making legal and financial decisions.

People get out of synch in their timing because one person has been thinking about a divorce for a long time.  The decision to stay or go takes a lot of thought.

The Deceiver. The deceiver has one foot in the marriage and one foot out of the door.  But since they don’t know which way they are going to decide, they avoid the issue.  When the other spouse says “Is something wrong?”, the deceiver says “No, everything is fine.”

The Denier. Conversely, the spouse of the deceiver is the denier.  He or she is in a symbiotic relationship with the deceiver and an enabler.  The denier may notice little signs that the deceiver is thinking about leaving.  But the denier tells himself or herself that everything is fine.  Then the denier is caught by surprise when the deceiver announces he or she is leaving.  As a result, the denier is six months to a year psychologically and emotionally behind the deceiver in the divorce process.

The solution is for the deceiver to give the denier time to catch up.  Divorce is a process, not an event.  Don’t rush it.  Negotiate with patience, civility, understanding and compassion and you will get a better result.

To Crave Oyer

Tuesday, November 4th, 2008

A client asked me this morning if she could just write a letter to the judge telling her side of the story.  The answer is no.  The rules require certain formalities and a letter will usually be returned by the clerk or the judge with a polite note.

Our law comes from England where each cause of action had a formality which had to be pled specifically.  Today we have notice pleading which allows for more leeway, but there are still many vestiges  of formal pleading left.

For example, one of my partners, John Thyden, once filed a Motion to Crave Oyer in a lawsuit.

I happened to be talking to his opposing counsel about another case one day when the conversation strayed to my partner’s motion.  He told me that the lawyers in his firm had to look up “crave oyer” in Black’s Law Dictionary to see what it meant.

It means to demand to see a copy of the document being sued upon, like a contract, a promissory note or a deed.

From then on, said the attorney, Thyden was referred to at that law firm as the “Crave Oyer Lawyer”.

 
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