Scott Dekraai, 41, allegedly walked into the beauty salon where his ex-wife worked and killed her and seven other people yesterday in Seal Beach, California.  They were involved in a bitter custody battle over their 8 year old son.

I think there is a rage reaction lurking in all of us.  Most of us keep it under control.   But emotions are strong and they can overwhelm logical thinking.

I’ve had clients who have let their anger involve them in domestic violence.  I’ve had clients who have directed their anger inwardly and tried to commit suicide.  When I asked them why, they said something like “I don’t know.  I just snapped.”

My advice?  No matter what happens in your divorce, get control of your anger.  And have a big flashing neon sign in the back of your mind that says “The best revenge is living well.”

If you are in the process of divorce or separation, you might be a little down in the dumps for the holidays.  But it’s the season for giving, so we thought we might cheer you up with these twelve free and useful gifts we pulled together from the Internet for you.

1. Free Visitation Schedules and Percentages
2. Free Child Support Calculator
3. Free Alimony Calculator
4. Free Online Financial Calculators
5. Free Interest Calculator for Judgments
6. Free Alimony Recapture Calculator
7. Free New Blog on Coping Strategies for Divorce Emotions
8. Free Notes from the Universe
9. Free Calendar and Messaging for Co-Parenting After Divorce
10. Free Sample Parenting Plan (PDF)
11. Free Divorce Coaching Interactive Program
12. Free Divorce Email Newsletter (Upper Right Corner of This Page)

Years ago Maryland and Virginia added no-fault divorce grounds to the traditional fault grounds.   DC has moved completely to no fault grounds.  However, even if you file on no-fault grounds, marital misconduct still comes into play in all three jurisdictions.

Alimony. In each jurisdiction, the law provides a list of factors the court must court must consider in determining alimony.  In Maryland and DC, one of the factors is circumstances surrounding the estrangement of the parties.  In Virginia, adultery can prevent a spouse from receiving alimony unless the court finds that would create a manifest injustice.

Property. In determining how marital property is to be equitably distributed, each jurisdiction has another list of factors the court must consider.  In Maryland, there is a catch all provision that includes any other factors that the court considers appropriate.  In Virginia, one factor is circumstances contributing to the dissolution of marriage.  In DC, it is circumstances contributing to the estrangement.

Custody. Marital misconduct does not necessarily make you a bad parent.  The test is best interest of the children.  But the parties think it is important that the judge know what a scoundrel the other parent is, especially if the other parent is slinging mud, too.

As a result, the parties spend 90% of their time in discovery and trial trying to prove fault.  While most of the judges I’ve talked to say it affects their decision by 10% or less.

Edmund DeMarche from the New York Post reports that a Judge has ordered a divorcing couple in Brooklyn, New York to build a wall down the middle of the family home.

The Judge has given them two weeks to decide where the wall should go, or he will decide it for them.

The wife will get more than half of the residence because she has primary custody of the children.

Now that the recession is keeping warring spouses from moving out, perhaps this idea will catch on.

If you are curious about how the rich and famous settle, TMZ.com has posted the Stipulated Judgment which contains the settlement agreement between Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller.  They will have joint legal custody and Brooke will have primary physical custody of their two children.  Charlie will have them on the first, third and fifth weekends of the month from Saturday at 10 AM until Monday at 10 AM.

Charlie will pay Brooke $55,000 a month for child support, plus other expenses, but not less than the child support paid to Denise Richards.

No alimony, but Brooke will get a million dollars for her share of the house, several bank accounts and other assets.  Both agree not to disparage each other in front of the kids.

Tipper Gore and Al Gore announced in an email to friends that they are separating after 40 years of marriage.  They said they labored over the decision for a long time and reached a mutual agreement to live separately.  The reason given was that they had grown apart.

My wife and I have different pursuits.  She stays home with our children.  She is the president of the PTA.  She is working on a local political campaign.

I manage a busy law office and spend most days puzzling out how to untangle complex financial relationships between divorcing spouses.  Sometimes, while I am in the middle of a million dollar deal, and trying hard to concentrate on some troublesome aspect, my wife will call me.  The fish died, my son made the swim team, what was in that salad we had last week, and oh by the way we need milk.

Do I stop what I’m doing, take a deep breath and redirect my mind to her world?  You bet.

We are different, but we respect the differences, sometimes even finding humor in them.   We have different worlds but they intersect at home, family and raising our children.  We interact, communicate and participate.  Growing apart is a decision you make.  The opposite decision is staying together.

Sounds Like Life to Me

( Darryl Worley, Wynn Varble, Phil O’Donnell )

Got a call last night from an old friend’s wife
Said I hate to bother you
Johnny Ray fell off the wagon
He’s been gone all afternoon
I know my buddy so I drove to Skully’s
And found him at the bar
I say hey man, what’s going on
He said I don’t know where to start

Sarah’s old car’s about to fall apart
And the washer quit last week
We had to put momma in the nursing home
And the baby’s cutting teeth
I didn’t get much work this week
And I got bills to pay
I said I know this ain’t what you wanna hear
But it’s what I’m gonna say

(Chorus)
Sounds like life to me it ain’t no fantasy
It’s just a common case of everyday reality
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me

Mary Louise Davis married John Franklin Davis, Jr. in 1958.  Sixteen years and three children later, Mrs. Davis, together with her six-year-old daughter Leigh, left the marital home and moved into an apartment.  Mr. Davis filed for divorce in Maryland on the ground of his wife’s adultery, and asked for custody of the children.

Judge Latham, after a custody investigation and a hearing, awarded custody of Leigh to the mother.  The father appealed to the Court of Special Appeals, which reversed the judge.  The Court said the father should have custody of Leigh because the mother had failed to show repentance for her adultery.

The mother appealed to the Court of Appeals.  The Court of Appeals held:

“Whereas the fact of adultery may be a relevant consideration in child custody awards, no presumption of unfitness on the part of the adulterous parent arises from it; rather it should be weighed, along with all other pertinent factors, only insofar as it affects the child’s welfare.”

The Court said the primary determination was the best interest of the child.  In determining this, Judge Latham had taken into account that Leigh had been living with her mother alone for the past two years and was adjusted to this arrangement; that she was doing well in school and was adequately provided for at home; that even though Mrs. Davis had engaged in adulterous conduct in the past, there was no  showing that it had ever deleteriously affected Leigh; and that Mrs. Davis had engaged in no sexual misconduct since February 1975.

So Leigh got to stay with her mother.

Davis v. Davis, 280 Md. 119; 372 A.2d 231 (1977)

Section 7-105 of the Family Law Article of the Maryland Code permits a party in a divorce to change their name from their married name to either their birth-given name or any other former name they have used, as long as it is not for an illegal, faudulent or immoral purpose. The name change is free if you ask for it at your divorce hearing.

So why doesn’t everyone change their married name when they get divorced?

Some people have established an identity and a career under their married name.  Others want to have the same name as their children.  And it is a hassle to deal with all the red tape that a name change involves, like a new social security card or a new driver’s license.  Read more about name changes in divorce at Answerology.com.

Nelson A. Garcia will present Divorce Legal Seminar in Spanish at the Commission for Women’s Counseling and Career Center in Rockville Maryland on October 13, 2009, from 6:00 to 9:00 pm.  This seminar will help you to learn the different aspects of the process of separation and divorce. You will learn how to choose an attorney, how property is distributed, and how to get a restraining order, in case of domestic violence. How to obtain custody and alimony for your children will also be discussed. At the end of the session, you will have the opportunity to ask questions.  The cost is $30.  Here is the seminar announcement in Spanish.

SUS DERECHOS LEGALES EN EL DIVORCIO:

RESUMEN GENERAL Y TEMAS RELACIONADOS CON LOS HIJOS

Martes, 13 de Octubre, 2009, 6-9 pm

Este seminario, presentado en español, le ayudará a conocer los diferentes aspectos del proceso de separación y divorcio. Se discutirá cómo escoger un abogado, cómo conseguir separación de bienes y la forma de obtener una orden de protección en casos de violencia doméstica. También se discutirá cómo obtener la custodia de sus hijos y asistencia para su manutención. Al cierre de la sesión, habrá oportunidad para preguntas y respuestas.  Costo: $30

Nelson A. García, a family law attorney in the firm of Thyden Gross and Callahan, LLP has volunteered for several years at the Commission for Women as a presenter.  Mr. Garcia also volunteers in free legal clinics at a number of organizations including CASA de Maryland in domestic violence, child custody and divorce matters.  He received his J.D. from Boston College Law School and his B.A. in English and Business co-majors from Florida State University.  He is a member of the Maryland and District of Columbia Bar and is currently Secretary of the Maryland Hispanic Bar Association and a member of its Legislative Committee.