A recent study concludes that a happiness gap between spouses is a harbinger of divorce.  It goes further to state that the odds of divorce increase if the wife is unhappier than the husband, because women file more divorces than men.  Here are my two best tips for managing unhappiness, in marriage or divorce.

1.  Make a Grateful List.  It is easy to look at the glass half full.  It is human nature to always want more than we have.  And your brain will keep pumping out negative thoughts as long as you dwell on what you don’t have instead of what you do have.  An antidote for this is to write down all the things in your life that you are grateful for.  Read this list out loud every morning.

2.  Keep a Good Things Notebook.  Get a small spiral notebook.  At the end of each day, write down all the good things that happened to you that day.  Someone smiled at you or complimented your outfit.  Keep it simple and short.  Try to find at least five things a day.

Leave a comment if you try these ideas and let us know if they work for you.

One question I am asked a lot is how to tell your spouse you want a divorce.  I say there is no easy way to do it.  For those who simply cannot face it, I send a letter saying I am representing your spouse in their marital difficulties and they have asked me to work out a separation agreement with you.

Leave it to enterprising net people to come up with a new way to break up as reported by Catherine Rampell in today’s New York Times.  For $50, iDUMP4U.com will make the Divorce Call to your soon to be ex.  The website also offers a $10 Basic Breakup for unmarried couples and a $25 Engagement Breakoff.

The company tells your ex why you are breaking up and specifically what he or she did wrong.  And if you think that’s bad, the company records its calls and posts them on its website.

A few years ago one of our lawyers described our typical divorce case like this.  A couple marries, buys a house, divorces three years later, sells the house and each spouse walks away with $50,000.  If they weren’t married, they would be happy with this partnership and call it successful, instead of hating each other.

But in this market, housing prices have plummeted to values sometimes below the balance due on the mortgage.  Divorce negotiations have turned from how to split up the sales proceeds to who gets stuck with the house.

Even when one spouse agrees to take over the underwater house and the mortgage payments, the other spouse may have to keep their name on the mortgage which may make it difficult to buy another house.

Read more.

The DC Marriage Bureau usually has about ten applications for marriage licenses a day.  Today they will have a couple of hundred.  And the form now asks for the name of each “spouse” rather than the “bride” and “groom.

That’s because of a new law that makes Washington, DC, the sixth jurisdiction in the U.S. to allow same-sex marriages, joining Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Vermont.  The law passed in the city, surviving a review by the U.S. Congress and a challenge in the United States Supreme Court.

The first marriages will be performed next Tuesday, because of a mandatory waiting period in DC.

While Maryland does not permit same-sex marriages, Doug Gansler, its Attorney General, issued an opinion last week that Maryland should recognize same-sex marriages performed in other jurisdictions.

Read more.

On the way to work I listen to the Sports Junkies on the radio.  They reported this morning that Redskins Owner Dan Snyder had paid $600,000 for two alligator desks and two chairs.

I tried to contrast this with a television interview I saw last night with author and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer .  Dyer says he has made the shift away from away from acquiring things.  He has stopped listening to his ego.  He gives away all the money he makes as a speaker because he doesn’t need it.  He has left his ambitiousness behind in pursuit of spiritual tranquility. Ironically, he said, he makes more money now than ever.

Dyer asked a question that made me think about my divorce clients struggling to divide income and assets through negotiation and litigation.  If I had two magic wands and one could give you whatever material possession you wanted and the other could give you peace of mind no matter what happens to you, which one would you choose?

Last night my wife and I went to a music recital at our son’s elementary school.  Our son is learning to play the saxophone.  By happenstance, I sat down between my wife and another lady who lives and sells real estate in our neighborhood.

There were a few minutes before the concert started so the women talked across.  The conversation was small talk.  I tried to tune most of it out.  But I heard that her cat and our cat have the same illness.  She was the agent for friends of ours trying to purchase a house in the neighborhood.  She knew all about the new house built next door to ours.  I was glad when the recital finally started.

But this morning I had a strange feeling.  I felt a sense of belonging, a sense of neighborhood, a sense of community.  It is comforting to know that we share common experiences with our fellow human beings.

People going through a divorce are frequently cut off from their usual community activities.  They may be too depressed or too embarrassed to see people they know.  Men especially tend to try to solve problems by themselves in isolation.  But divorce is a problem that is too big for one person to solve.  It is very important for anyone going through divorce or separation to reach out for support to friends, relatives, religious leaders, therapists or support groups.  We all need a community.

Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. said we have a great experiment going on with the laws in the different states in the U.S.  We can see which ones work best.

Arizona is trying to decide whether or not to increase the time of separation in that state from two months to six months.

Meanwhile, Maryland Senator Zirkin  has introduced Senate Bill 577 that would reduce the time from one year to six months for a voluntary separation in Maryland.  The period for involuntary separation would change from two years to one year.  If it passes, the bill would be effective for divorces filed after October 1, 2010.

This would bring Maryland in line with the separation period required in its neighboring jurisdictions, Virginia and DC.

Caroline fidgeted uncomfortably in the worn leather client chair in Art’s cluttered lawyer’s office.  “Why do we have to send him discovery anyway?”

“Well, the purpose of discovery is to avoid surprises at trial and encourage settlement,” replied Art making a steeple with his hands.  “For this reason, the scope of discovery, as set forth in MD Rule 2-402 is very broad.  We sent your husband written interrogatories and a request for documents, which are among the methods allowed by MD Rule 2-401.”

“But he hasn’t responded,” complained Caroline, brushing her dark blonde hair out of her eyes, as she reached into her purse for a cigarette and lighter.

Art silently decided not to tell his client it was a non-smoking building.  He pushed his half empty cup toward her for an ashtray.  It was cold anyway, he thought to himself.  “Yes,” he said.  “But he has 30 days, plus 3 since discovery was mailed, to either answer, object or file a motion for a protective order under MD Rule 2-403.”

“What if he doesn’t give us all we asked for?”  Caroline blew a long puff of smoke into the atmosphere of Art’s office, which was crowded with knicknacks, bric-a-bracs, bibolots, and memorabilia from past cases,  accumulated over his long career.

Art took off his silver, wire framed glasses and began to clean them with his handkerchief.  “If he fails to respond sufficiently, then I must first make good faith attempts to settle the discovery dispute with his counsel under MD Rule 2-431.  If that doesn’t work, I file a motion for an order compelling discovery under MD Rule 2-432.  If he still doesn’t respond, then I can ask for sanctions or ask for a contempt order under MD Rule 2-433.  And if he doesn’t respond at all, I can skip the order compelling discovery and ask for immediate sanctions under MD Rule 2-433.”

“And what are sanctions?” asked Caroline arching her eyebrows that looked like the tops of two question marks.

“The court can strike his pleadings, prohibit him from testifying, keep him from offering exhibits or witnesses or proof of anything that would contradict your claims or support his claims, and order him to pay your legal fees for his failure to comply with discovery.”

“Good, I like that,” said Caroline, tossing the last of her lit cigarette, as though she wished it was her soon to be ex-husband, in Art’s coffee cup where it sizzled as she walked out of his office.

by Jill H. Breslau

I never imagined that I’d be suggesting that a retreat is like a divorce, but it is, in more than one way.  It is a time when ordinary life, life as you know it, is suspended for a while, as you make decisions about how you would like things to be in the future.

The decisions you eventually make are not necessarily the same decisions you would make on Day 1.  I began my retreat, for example thinking about what was not working in my life and determined to root out whatever character flaws perpetuated my problems.  By the end of the retreat, my focus had shifted from pinning down my failures to owning my strengths—a welcome transformation.

If I had made a decision for my future based on my thoughts at the end of Day 1, I would have felt fearful, self-blaming, and full of disappointment.  In giving myself time to engage in the retreat process—not unlike a divorce process—I emerged in a clearer, more confident mood.       Yes, there are some decisions you have to make right now.  And there are emergency situations in which delay is not appropriate.  But generally, it helps if you can maintain the status quo to the greatest extent possible and give yourself time for the big decisions.  Then, as the process unfolds, you can move forward into your future, making choices with more clarity and confidence.

UC Berkeley scientists have discovered that couples who use pronouns like “we”, “us” and “our” in their conversations are happier and have healthier relationships than couples who use “I” and “you”.

The researchers analyzed the speech patterns of couples while they talked about disagreements in their marriages.  Couples who used “I” and “you” tended to be more stressed, less close and unhappy.

The study concluded the reason for this is that successful couples have a sense of unity with each other.  This helps them resolve conflicts, grow closer together and have more positive behavior toward each other.

Emerald Catron at lemmondrop.com, however, finds referring to yourself as “we” rather annoying if you’re not the Queen of England.