This infographic is courtesy of Saffery Champness, an independent top 20 firm of chartered accountants with nine offices across the UK and offices in Guernsey and Geneva.

This one is from attorney Dick Price in Fort Worth, Texas:

“The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters.” ~Harold Nicolson

Glenn Phillips of Birmingham, Alabama, is the founder of Forte, Inc., a software consulting business, who went through a contentious divorce, as reported by Deborah L. Cohen of Reuters.

In addition to legal fees, support and property division, he estimates his divorce cost him more than $200,000 in lost business.  He said he was regularly pulled away from work for meetings with lawyers, producing documents in discovery, and settlement negotiations, which took up more than a year.

“It was painful, it was costly,” said Phillips, “I wasn’t there to lead and direct.”  Phillips was able to keep his business and turn things around eventually but divorce can have hidden and indirect costs for small business owners.

Comes word of a study, as reported by Timothy Boyer on EmaxHealth.com, of a common personality trait among people who fared better than others in divorce.

“Self-compassion—a combination of kindness toward oneself, recognition of common humanity, and the ability to let painful emotions pass, says psychologist David A. Sbarra “can promote resilience and positive outcomes in the face of divorce.”

According to Dr. Sbarra,” Understanding your loss as part of bigger human experience helps assuage feelings of isolation.  Mindfulness—noting jealousy or anger without judgment or rumination—lets you turn your mind to life in the present without getting stuck in the past.”

Dr. Sbarra believes that self-compassion can be learned and should be part of counseling for people going through a divorce.

“Never tell me the odds, Kid.”  That’s what Hans Solo said to Luke Skywalker just before they flew through the asteroids in Star Wars.  And I hear it in my head every time a client asks me what I think their chances of winning are.

First, the Code of Professional Responsibility prohibits me from giving you percentages, because each case is unique with its own set of facts.

Second, the judge weighs the testimony and credibility of the witnesses, and there is no lie detector at the bench.

Third, the judge doesn’t always get it right.

Fourth, you might win or you might lose, or it might be something in the middle.  Usually there is a least one thing in the judge’s decision to feel bad about.

Fifth, my crystal ball is cloudy.

Sixth, two judges trying the same set of facts, will give different opinions.

Seventh, judges have their own filters, feelings, history and perceptions.   Did the judge have an absent father and nurturing mother?  Is the judge divorced and mad about having to pay alimony?  Did the judge have a good breakfast or an argument with their spouse on the morning of your trial?

So your chances of winning?  It all depends.

“I want to ask my spouse to discuss a divorce settlement and put a stop to the litigation,” said Harry on the phone to his lawyer as he paced the floor of his office.

“I always think it’s better to settle than litigate if you can,” said Tom, pausing to take a puff on his pipe.  “Most cases settle.  There are not enough courthouses and judges to try all the cases that are filed.”

“When is the right time to ask?” Harry said as he fell into his office chair.

“Settlement negotiations and litigation proceed on parallel railroad tracks toward the trial date.”  Tom’s pipe went out and there was a moment’s silence as refilled it with tobacco.  “You can settle at any time before trial.  I’ve had trials settle on the  courthouse steps on the day of trial and one even settled at the noon recess after a half day of trial.  People settle for all kinds of different reasons, and you never know when they are ready to settle, so I keep asking every time I get a chance during the litigation process.”

“But do you think it will show weakness or desperation on my part that will cause me to lose bargaining power in the negotiations?”  asked Harry.

“I think it shows strength and confidence,” Tom replied, while relighting his pipe.  “You don’t have to settle on terms you think are unreasonable and you don’t have to bid against yourself.  But it never hurts to let the other side know that the door to good faith settlement discussions swings open on easy hinges.”

“Great.  I’m going to call her.  I can’t thank you enough for this advice.”

“Yes, you can.  When you get my bill.”

“Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

– Diane Mercer & Katie Jane Wennechuk, “Making Divorce Work”

After full disclosure, the second most important element to fortify your prenup is time.  That is the parties must have adequate time before the wedding to understand, negotiate and consider the agreement they are signing.

If the prenup is presented the day before the wedding, after the invitations have been mailed, the wedding gown paid for, and the banquet hall rented, it could be challenged on the basis of duress.  The challenger might say something like, “I didn’t understand it and I didn’t read it.  I just signed it so the wedding could go on.”

The way to defend a prenup from this challenge is to start negotiating long before the wedding.  Keep drafts and other documents.  Place a clause in the agreement that says the parties have negotiated the terms for a long time before the wedding, each has consulted a lawyer or has had an opportunity to do so, each understands the provisions of the agreement, and neither feels any duress or pressure to sign.

Researchers at the University of Michigan report that how you fight in the first year of marriage can predict how likely you are to be divorced.  The researchers found that fighting styles broke down into three categories:

1. destructive (yelling and screaming)
2. withdrawal (keeping quiet or leaving), and
3. constructive (trying to solve the problem calmly).

Destructive conflict most often led to divorce.  Couples where one partner fought constructively but the other withdrew also had a high rate of divorce.

One of the researchers, Kira Birditt, said, “I think it’s important to try to work together to constructively solve problems. The closer you are, the more problems you have but you have to be really careful about how you deal with it when you have them. You should think before you react and try to say things calmly when you’re upset and it’s better to talk about problems than to avoid them or to scream or yell.”

Guest article by Diana Mercer, Esquire

If you know your settlement goals and priorities, you’ve had a thorough conversation with your lawyer about the range of settlement, and you’ve done some soul searching yet you simply can’t live with the most recent offers that are on the table, then a trial is your remaining option.

The good news is that few cases come to that point. About 95% of all divorce cases settle before you get to trial.  But it happens, and it’s serious business.  It’s time consuming, nerve-wracking, and incredibly expensive.  Back when I was a litigation attorney, I enjoyed going to trial because it gave me a chance to practice what I was trained to do in law school.  But I rarely encouraged clients to go to trial because even a mediocre settlement would likely net them more than a great judgment after a trial, taking into account the litigation costs, time away from work, and wear and tear on their soul.

Inappropriate or non-existent settlement offers are legitimate reasons to try your case. But be sure that’s really what you’re haggling over, and that these issues aren’t just red herrings.  If you want to go to trial to prove a point, to tell your story, or to seek justice or revenge on your spouse you’re going to be very disappointed.  Backlogged courts don’t have time for lengthy testimony, and as dramatic as your story may be to you, it’s much too similar to thousands of other divorce stories for many judges to sit up and take notice.

So understand your motivations.  Your lawyer is worried about your legal case, asset division, securing support for you, and your parenting plan if you have children.  As the client, however you may be feeling a great deal of stress, grief, loss and anger over the situation and it’s hard to think about your settlement in such nuts and bolts terms.  Conflict between you and your lawyer may happen while you’re processing the emotional divorce while the lawyer views this essentially as a business deal.

While for the divorcing spouses a trial is both an economic and psychological decision, understand that judges are mostly concerned with providing a reasonably fair allocation of income and assets based on the laws of your state. They are not concerned with unraveling every transaction between you and your spouse. Fault issues like endless arguments and hurtful words may be at the forefront of your mind, but will probably seem minor to the judge.  After all, you’re the 30^th case he or she has seen today alone.

Don’t make the decision to try your case on moral grounds alone. This is essentially a business transaction, even if it doesn’t feel that way, and you need to decide how you can finalize your case in the least expensive (both in terms of money and wear and tear on you) way possible.  Don’t let your emotions get in the way of a good, solid business decision.

Preparing for a divorce trial

Forgiveness