A recent study concludes that a happiness gap between spouses is a harbinger of divorce.  It goes further to state that the odds of divorce increase if the wife is unhappier than the husband, because women file more divorces than men.  Here are my two best tips for managing unhappiness, in marriage or divorce.

1.  Make a Grateful List.  It is easy to look at the glass half full.  It is human nature to always want more than we have.  And your brain will keep pumping out negative thoughts as long as you dwell on what you don’t have instead of what you do have.  An antidote for this is to write down all the things in your life that you are grateful for.  Read this list out loud every morning.

2.  Keep a Good Things Notebook.  Get a small spiral notebook.  At the end of each day, write down all the good things that happened to you that day.  Someone smiled at you or complimented your outfit.  Keep it simple and short.  Try to find at least five things a day.

Leave a comment if you try these ideas and let us know if they work for you.

by Jill H. Breslau

I never imagined that I’d be suggesting that a retreat is like a divorce, but it is, in more than one way.  It is a time when ordinary life, life as you know it, is suspended for a while, as you make decisions about how you would like things to be in the future.

The decisions you eventually make are not necessarily the same decisions you would make on Day 1.  I began my retreat, for example thinking about what was not working in my life and determined to root out whatever character flaws perpetuated my problems.  By the end of the retreat, my focus had shifted from pinning down my failures to owning my strengths—a welcome transformation.

If I had made a decision for my future based on my thoughts at the end of Day 1, I would have felt fearful, self-blaming, and full of disappointment.  In giving myself time to engage in the retreat process—not unlike a divorce process—I emerged in a clearer, more confident mood.       Yes, there are some decisions you have to make right now.  And there are emergency situations in which delay is not appropriate.  But generally, it helps if you can maintain the status quo to the greatest extent possible and give yourself time for the big decisions.  Then, as the process unfolds, you can move forward into your future, making choices with more clarity and confidence.

A study commissioned by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company reveals that 60 percent of business owners do not have a plan in place to divorce-proof their companies.   According to PRNewswire.com, the study involved six focus groups and 518 business owners.

“If a company is owned by a couple, a divorce can paralyze the business and create divided allegiances among employees and customers,” said Beth Wood, VP of a Mass Mutual division. “It could also jeopardize a family’s wealth and the owners’ retirements,” she said. “Often, a divorce can force the owners to sell the business, with proceeds being divided by the parties involved.”

“When owners aren’t in business with their spouses, a divorce can still hurt the firm greatly, if an ex-spouse is awarded the business in a divorce settlement, throwing ownership and decision-making into doubt, and distracting employees,” Wood said.

MassMutual suggests the following ways to create a divorce-proof plan for your business:

* Buy-sell agreements that can be triggered by certain events, such as a divorce.
* Prenuptial agreements.
* Postnuptial agreements.
* Trusts.

If you don’t know what to get that person who has everything this year, a London law firm is offering a gift certificate for a half hour consultation with a divorce lawyer.  The cost is $125 pounds (about $200).

The firm, Lloyd Platt & Company, says demand for the certficates is soaring, with 60 sold so far, and the firm is swamped with inquiries about this “must have” Christmas gift.

Source:  MSNBC

My pal and super real estate broker, Harlene Cohen Bernstein, has written an article about her adventures with avaricious divorce attorneys and what she did about it.

The article is called “Up Against the Wall” and it’s posted on a new website, Exon/Exoff.

The site is for and about “ex’s”.  It says if you have an ex, then you are an ex.  There are other articles, a forum for discussion, and resources for health, counseling, real estate, financial and legal services.  Check it out.

I posted this quote by Winston Churchill some time ago:

“You will never get to the end of the journey if you stop to shy a stone at every dog that barks.”

I get to use it on divorce clients from time to time.  A divorce has a beginning, middle and end.  The beginning is fact gathering, settlement proposal, complaint, answer, countercomplaint and answer to countercomplaint.  The middle is discovery and mediation.  The end is settlement or trial.

But there are many details along the way.  And in a divorce, control, anger, revenge, and sadness are all swirling around to cloud good judgment.  So some clients tend to get bogged down in the small stuff.  They fixate on something that is a detour from their main objectives of getting divorced  from their spouse, providing for their children and untangling their finances.

I have had clients get stuck on furniture, used automobiles, jewelry, whether visitation will be on Tuesday or Thursday, something their spouse or the other lawyer said, and lots of other things that will give rise to argument.

The problem with this is they end of spending all of their time, effort and legal fees at the beginning or middle of their case and have nothing left at the finish line.  So my advice is try to keep things in perspective.  The end of your journey is a settlement or a divorce decree.  Remember that, along the way, you don’t have to throw a stone at every dog that barks.

Stipulations are a frequently overlooked tool that can be useful in a divorce case.  They are asked for in the Pre-Trial Statement, but in the rush to get everything ready for trial, the usual answer under “Stipulations Requested” is “none”.

Stipulations are simply written statements of fact, agreed to by both parties, that are submitted to the judge at the beginning of the trial.  They can then be used as evidence in your case.

One benefit of stipulation is to save time in your trial.  You don’t have to put on witnesses to testify to the facts that are stipulated.  If you are paying a lawyer by the minute, that can be helpful.  They also educate the judge quickly about your case and provide a reference that the judge can have handy at the bench during the trial.

Facts that are easy to agree on include the names of the parties, their ages, the duration of their marriage, and the children’s names and birth dates.

It may be harder to agree on facts like the jobs, income, assets, liabilities and health of the parties.  But any of these issues that can be stipulated to, ought to be.

“To hide one lie, a thousand lies are needed.”
- Saying in India

Tiger Woods found out the hard way.

If you are going to cheat, your spouse will find out about it.  There are no secrets.  Your paramour will tell somebody or somebody will see you together.  That somebody will tell someone else.  Eventually word will get back to your spouse.

Actions have consequences.  You may think they don’t, but they do.  Ask any divorce lawyer.  If you’re going to play, you have to pay.  Think about the consequences before you act.  Is it worth the cost?

You choose your actions.  You can choose to be faithful and committed to your marriage or not.  But affairs don’t just happen.  People don’t fall out of love with their spouses.  They make a choice.  What choices are you making in your life?

If you are single and have never been married, be thankful you are not unhappily married or divorced and paying alimony and child support.

If you are unhappily married, be thankful you are not single and alone on Thanksgiving.

If you are separated or divorced, be thankful that you are not stuck in an unhappy marriage and you are free to find a more compatible mate.

If you are happily married, be thankful for that and enjoy your Thanksgiving!

Divorce cases are either contested or uncontested.  If the Answer to the Complaint denies one or more of the statements contained in the Complaint, then you have a contested case.

A case is uncontested if you have a comprehensive Separation Agreement, in writing that is signed by both parties.  In other words, to have an uncontested case, you and your spouse must be in agreement on grounds, custody, child support, alimony and property distribution and every other issue in your divorce.

Sometimes a client will tell us they have an uncontested case, but when we ask they have no Separation Agreement.  They may tell us the have everything worked out, but once we get into the details of visitation, debt division, valuing pensions and the like we find that they are not in agreement.  Following a lot of negotiation, we finally come to terms and sign the negotiated agreement.  Then we can file a Complaint for an uncontested divorce.

Divorce Law Indiana has a good post on this topic called “Uncontested Divorces — Do They Exist?”