Arguing, fighting, bickering and nagging are ways of expressing disagreement with your spouse, that can become destructive and turn into insults, bottled up anger, storming off and the silent treatment.  We learned to fight from our parents who taught us that success means winning an argument.  And the longer the conflict stews, the more we mull it over, and the bigger and scarier it becomes.

Dr. Howard Markman, University of Denver Professor and author of “Fighting for Your Marriage”, tells the Wall Street Journal that it’s not that we fight, but how we fight, that’s important in keeping couples happy and together.  He says that each person needs to know that they are being listened to and getting their point across. Dr. Markman has developed the “speaker-listener technique” to teach couples how to fight fairly and resolve their conflicts more successfully.

He says call a 15 minute meeting to discuss the issue.  Do not be intent on finding a solution.  The meeting is just to talk and listen about the problem.  Flip a coin to see who goes first.

The winner of the coin toss explains his or her position first in two or three sentences.  The other party (1) listens and (2) repeats what he or she heard to acknowledge the other person’s position and show that he or she understands it.  Then the same spouse gets to elaborate with two or three more statements.  Next the roles are reversed and the parties go through the process again.  Dr. Markman says a solution may become obvious by the end of the exercise.  “A lot of times, all you need is to be listened to,” says Dr. Markman.

Alimony guidelines have been in existence for some time.  The American  Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers publishes alimony guidelines and the Women’s Law Center has a program called the Kaufman Alimony Guidelines Calculator.  Even though the twelfth alimony factor is “anything else the court wants to consider”, it was not clear whether that included alimony guidelines or not.

The Maryland Court of Appeals ruled recently that the guidelines may be used by the judge as an aid so long as they do not replace the twelve factors or frustrate them.  So now divorce lawyers in Maryland will be presenting guidelines in settlement discussions, mediation and court.  Boemio v. Boemio, CA No. 57, September Term, 2009, May 11, 2010.

What if all the marital debt is in one party’s name?

Suppose divorcing parties have no substantial assets, no children, both are employed and they have substantial debt spent for marital purposes which is all in one party’s name.  What can the divorce court do?  It depends on the jurisdiction.

In D.C. and Virginia, the Court can allocate the debt and order each party to pay particular debts or portions of debts.

In Maryland, the court has no such authority and, in the foregoing example, the court could not do justice by considering marital debt in distributing marital property because there is no marital property.   In the absence of an agreement, the debt-laden spouse would be stuck with all of the debt if this  case were heard in Maryland.  The court would not have authority to divide the debt or order each party to pay certain debts.

In previous blogs, I discussed the differences in property distribution in a divorce in Maryland, Virginia and DC.  Another area where the law of our three local jurisdictions is not the same is allocation of debt in a divorce.

In the District of Columbia and in Virginia, the divorce court has authority to allocate debt between the parties in a divorce case.  D.C. Code Sec. 16-910(b); Va. Code Sec, 20-107.3.E.7, Turonis v Turonis, 2003 Va. App. LEXIS 130.

In Maryland there is no such general authority to allocate marital debt, although the court may consider the debts of the parties along with other economic circumstances in dividing marital property.  MD Code, Family Law Article 8-205(b)(3). Maryland courts can allocate responsibility for debt related to the family home in connection with use and possession orders, Md. Code Sec. 8-208(c), or orders transferring title to the principal residence of the parties.  Md. Code Sec. 8-205(a)(2)(iii).

The wife is complaining about her latest bill of $4.3 million and has hired new lawyers to sue her old lawyers.  She says it is unfair and unreasonable although she admits her divorce is extremely complex and she seeks a multimillion dollar settlement.

The law firm denies her allegations and says she wanted to “maximise the chance of a successful outcome” of her divorce. She was therefore charged for “the level of legal resources needed to conduct the matter thoroughly”.

The Judge has given them two weeks to decide where the wall should go, or he will decide it for them.

The wife will get more than half of the residence because she has primary custody of the children.

Now that the recession is keeping warring spouses from moving out, perhaps this idea will catch on.

Which is what the judge has to do in movie star Michael Douglas’s divorce, reports eonline.com.  His ex-wife, Diandra Douglas, has filed suit for 50% of his income from Wall Street 2.

Her $45 million dollar settlement in 2000 has a provision that states she is entitled to half his earnings from any residuals, merchandising or spinoffs of movies made during the marriage.  She claims that Wall Street 2 is a “spinoff”.  He claims that it is a “sequel”.  What a difference one word makes.  How would you rule if you were the judge?

If you think the Great Recession is tough on you, pity the poor millionaires who can’t afford their divorces.

Elon Musk, co-founder of PayPal and owner of Tesla Motors, says “about four months ago, I ran out of cash.”   His wife wants stock in Tesla, the house, alimony child support and six million dollars.

Tiki Barber, former New York Giant, lost his $300,000 a year contract with NBC in May of this year after he left his pregnant wife of 11 years for a 23 year old intern.  He says his career is in tatters and he cannot afford to pay the settlement amount demanded by his wife.

Sources:

WalletPop.com

FoxNews.com

“We think of a regular contagion like the flu. You get a virus and you’re more likely to spread the symptoms to someone else. This is not just true for a virus. This is true for a lot of social behaviors,” Fowler said.

If you get divorced, your friend may not get divorced, but they can pass the divorce fever on to your friend’s friend. “Some people can be a carrier of the disease without actually exhibiting the symptoms,” Fowler said. “They can carry a virus, but they might not get a fever or cough.”