“We learn from the valleys, not from the hills.” — Miakoda in Shadowheart

LOVER, LOVER
by
Niemann Jerrod

Well the truth, well it hurts to say
I’m gonna pack up my bags and I’m gonna go away
I’m gonna split, I can’t stand it
I’m gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back

Girl but before I get to going, I’ve got to say,
I know you used to love me but that was yesterday,
And the truth, I won’t fight it,
When the love starts burning you got to do what’s right.

Woh-oh lover, lover lover, you don’t treat me no good no more,
Woh-oh lover, lover lover, you don’t treat me no good no more.

There is no easy way to bring up this conversation.  Some people just can’t do it, and pay their lawyers to send a letter to their spouse asking for a divorce or separation agreement.

But when clients ask me how to do it themselves, I give them this advice.  Use questions.  Here are some of the questions I suggest to get the discussions started.

Are you happy with our marriage?
Do you think I’m happy?
What should we do about it?
Do you think we would be happier if we separated?
When you look at our future together, what does it look like?
Do you want a divorce?
Do you think one of us ought to see a lawyer?

When Harry Truman got mad and fired off a letter, he would put it in a drawer in his desk and let it cool off for a day.  Most of those letters were never sent.  What would he have done with email?

Now there is a new product called ToneCheck, reports the ABA Journal, that will scan your outgoing email before you send it and point out phrases that have unintended emotional charge.  Tone Check then suggest alternative language.  For example, if you write something is “annoying or troubling” you will be prompted to substitute “It has been concerning me for some time”.

Of course if it completely edits tone, some of the emails I get from opposing counsel will be totally blank.

CHAPTER SIX — FIGHT FAIRLY

Arguing, fighting, bickering and nagging are ways of expressing disagreement with your spouse, that can become destructive and turn into insults, bottled up anger, storming off and the silent treatment.  We learned to fight from our parents who taught us that success means winning an argument.  And the longer the conflict stews, the more we mull it over, and the bigger and scarier it becomes.

Dr. Howard Markman, University of Denver Professor and author of “Fighting for Your Marriage”, tells the Wall Street Journal that it’s not that we fight, but how we fight, that’s important in keeping couples happy and together.  He says that each person needs to know that they are being listened to and getting their point across. Dr. Markman has developed the “speaker-listener technique” to teach couples how to fight fairly and resolve their conflicts more successfully.

He says call a 15 minute meeting to discuss the issue.  Do not be intent on finding a solution.  The meeting is just to talk and listen about the problem.  Flip a coin to see who goes first.

The winner of the coin toss explains his or her position first in two or three sentences.  The other party (1) listens and (2) repeats what he or she heard to acknowledge the other person’s position and show that he or she understands it.  Then the same spouse gets to elaborate with two or three more statements.  Next the roles are reversed and the parties go through the process again.  Dr. Markman says a solution may become obvious by the end of the exercise.  “A lot of times, all you need is to be listened to,” says Dr. Markman.

Social contagion, according to a report at CNN.com, is the spread of behavior or emotion through a group.  Professor James H. Fowler of the University of California, San Diego, says divorce can spread like a virus from one couple to friends, family, coworkers, and even to people at least two degrees of separation away.  Fowler studied 5,000 people.

“We think of a regular contagion like the flu. You get a virus and you’re more likely to spread the symptoms to someone else. This is not just true for a virus. This is true for a lot of social behaviors,” Fowler said.

If you get divorced, your friend may not get divorced, but they can pass the divorce fever on to your friend’s friend. “Some people can be a carrier of the disease without actually exhibiting the symptoms,” Fowler said. “They can carry a virus, but they might not get a fever or cough.”

Men who are unhappier than their wives have more enduring marriages, according to an article in the Daily Mail Reporter.

Economists at Deakin University in Australia researched tens of thousands of couples in Britain, Germany and Australia. Their conclusion was the happier a man was than his wife, the greater the chance that the wife would file for divorce.

So married men take note.  Don’t be happier than your wife.

Sounds Like Life to Me

( Darryl Worley, Wynn Varble, Phil O’Donnell )

Got a call last night from an old friend’s wife
Said I hate to bother you
Johnny Ray fell off the wagon
He’s been gone all afternoon
I know my buddy so I drove to Skully’s
And found him at the bar
I say hey man, what’s going on
He said I don’t know where to start

Sarah’s old car’s about to fall apart
And the washer quit last week
We had to put momma in the nursing home
And the baby’s cutting teeth
I didn’t get much work this week
And I got bills to pay
I said I know this ain’t what you wanna hear
But it’s what I’m gonna say

(Chorus)
Sounds like life to me it ain’t no fantasy
It’s just a common case of everyday reality
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me

Our law firm is pleased to announce that the American Bar Association has published “The Illicit Relationship Between Lawyers and Emotion” by Jill H. Breslau as a chapter in its new book, “Lawyers as Peacemakers”.

Jill writes that while lawyers are trained to ignore emotions and use logic, facts and reason, this is like the captain of the Titanic seeing the tip of the iceberg and ignoring what’s under the water.  Emotions are hidden and mysterious structures that influence human behavior powerfully and profoundly.

The book is edited by J. Kim Wright and available at the ABA website.