A recent study concludes that a happiness gap between spouses is a harbinger of divorce.  It goes further to state that the odds of divorce increase if the wife is unhappier than the husband, because women file more divorces than men.  Here are my two best tips for managing unhappiness, in marriage or divorce.

1.  Make a Grateful List.  It is easy to look at the glass half full.  It is human nature to always want more than we have.  And your brain will keep pumping out negative thoughts as long as you dwell on what you don’t have instead of what you do have.  An antidote for this is to write down all the things in your life that you are grateful for.  Read this list out loud every morning.

2.  Keep a Good Things Notebook.  Get a small spiral notebook.  At the end of each day, write down all the good things that happened to you that day.  Someone smiled at you or complimented your outfit.  Keep it simple and short.  Try to find at least five things a day.

Leave a comment if you try these ideas and let us know if they work for you.

On the way to work I listen to the Sports Junkies on the radio.  They reported this morning that Redskins Owner Dan Snyder had paid $600,000 for two alligator desks and two chairs.

I tried to contrast this with a television interview I saw last night with author and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer .  Dyer says he has made the shift away from away from acquiring things.  He has stopped listening to his ego.  He gives away all the money he makes as a speaker because he doesn’t need it.  He has left his ambitiousness behind in pursuit of spiritual tranquility. Ironically, he said, he makes more money now than ever.

Dyer asked a question that made me think about my divorce clients struggling to divide income and assets through negotiation and litigation.  If I had two magic wands and one could give you whatever material possession you wanted and the other could give you peace of mind no matter what happens to you, which one would you choose?

Last night my wife and I went to a music recital at our son’s elementary school.  Our son is learning to play the saxophone.  By happenstance, I sat down between my wife and another lady who lives and sells real estate in our neighborhood.

There were a few minutes before the concert started so the women talked across.  The conversation was small talk.  I tried to tune most of it out.  But I heard that her cat and our cat have the same illness.  She was the agent for friends of ours trying to purchase a house in the neighborhood.  She knew all about the new house built next door to ours.  I was glad when the recital finally started.

But this morning I had a strange feeling.  I felt a sense of belonging, a sense of neighborhood, a sense of community.  It is comforting to know that we share common experiences with our fellow human beings.

People going through a divorce are frequently cut off from their usual community activities.  They may be too depressed or too embarrassed to see people they know.  Men especially tend to try to solve problems by themselves in isolation.  But divorce is a problem that is too big for one person to solve.  It is very important for anyone going through divorce or separation to reach out for support to friends, relatives, religious leaders, therapists or support groups.  We all need a community.

by Jill H. Breslau

I never imagined that I’d be suggesting that a retreat is like a divorce, but it is, in more than one way.  It is a time when ordinary life, life as you know it, is suspended for a while, as you make decisions about how you would like things to be in the future.

The decisions you eventually make are not necessarily the same decisions you would make on Day 1.  I began my retreat, for example thinking about what was not working in my life and determined to root out whatever character flaws perpetuated my problems.  By the end of the retreat, my focus had shifted from pinning down my failures to owning my strengths—a welcome transformation.

If I had made a decision for my future based on my thoughts at the end of Day 1, I would have felt fearful, self-blaming, and full of disappointment.  In giving myself time to engage in the retreat process—not unlike a divorce process—I emerged in a clearer, more confident mood.       Yes, there are some decisions you have to make right now.  And there are emergency situations in which delay is not appropriate.  But generally, it helps if you can maintain the status quo to the greatest extent possible and give yourself time for the big decisions.  Then, as the process unfolds, you can move forward into your future, making choices with more clarity and confidence.

UC Berkeley scientists have discovered that couples who use pronouns like “we”, “us” and “our” in their conversations are happier and have healthier relationships than couples who use “I” and “you”.

The researchers analyzed the speech patterns of couples while they talked about disagreements in their marriages.  Couples who used “I” and “you” tended to be more stressed, less close and unhappy.

The study concluded the reason for this is that successful couples have a sense of unity with each other.  This helps them resolve conflicts, grow closer together and have more positive behavior toward each other.

Emerald Catron at lemmondrop.com, however, finds referring to yourself as “we” rather annoying if you’re not the Queen of England.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford asked to skip the part about marital fidelity in his wedding vows 20 years ago Jenny Sanford told Barbara Walters in an interview to be aired on ABC News Friday night at 10:00 p.m.  Ms Sanford’s book “Stay True” will be released the same day.

“It bothered me to some extent,” said the estranged first lady, “but . . . we were very young; we were in love.  I questioned it, but I got past it . . . along with other doubts that I had.”

Ms. Sanford found out about her husband’s affair and has filed for divorce.  The governor told several different versions of his whereabouts until The Columbia State newspaper confronted him with emails between him and his Argentine lover.

Why do obviously smart women like Ms. Sanford and Ms. Edwards not discover their husband’s affairs earlier?  It’s a case of Deceiver and Denier.  The Deceiver is not ready to leave the marriage, so when the Denier asks questions like, “What’s wrong?” the Deceiver replies, “Nothing”.  The Denier wants to believe it.  Infidelity is not a concept that is possible in the Denier’s universe.  So he or she is blinded to the clues that are left by the Deceiver.

Read more at IslandPacket.com.

My pal and super real estate broker, Harlene Cohen Bernstein, has written an article about her adventures with avaricious divorce attorneys and what she did about it.

The article is called “Up Against the Wall” and it’s posted on a new website, Exon/Exoff.

The site is for and about “ex’s”.  It says if you have an ex, then you are an ex.  There are other articles, a forum for discussion, and resources for health, counseling, real estate, financial and legal services.  Check it out.

I posted this quote by Winston Churchill some time ago:

“You will never get to the end of the journey if you stop to shy a stone at every dog that barks.”

I get to use it on divorce clients from time to time.  A divorce has a beginning, middle and end.  The beginning is fact gathering, settlement proposal, complaint, answer, countercomplaint and answer to countercomplaint.  The middle is discovery and mediation.  The end is settlement or trial.

But there are many details along the way.  And in a divorce, control, anger, revenge, and sadness are all swirling around to cloud good judgment.  So some clients tend to get bogged down in the small stuff.  They fixate on something that is a detour from their main objectives of getting divorced  from their spouse, providing for their children and untangling their finances.

I have had clients get stuck on furniture, used automobiles, jewelry, whether visitation will be on Tuesday or Thursday, something their spouse or the other lawyer said, and lots of other things that will give rise to argument.

The problem with this is they end of spending all of their time, effort and legal fees at the beginning or middle of their case and have nothing left at the finish line.  So my advice is try to keep things in perspective.  The end of your journey is a settlement or a divorce decree.  Remember that, along the way, you don’t have to throw a stone at every dog that barks.

If you are single and have never been married, be thankful you are not unhappily married or divorced and paying alimony and child support.

If you are unhappily married, be thankful you are not single and alone on Thanksgiving.

If you are separated or divorced, be thankful that you are not stuck in an unhappy marriage and you are free to find a more compatible mate.

If you are happily married, be thankful for that and enjoy your Thanksgiving!

CHAPTER FOUR – PLAYING A CUSTOMER GAME

If you are not in sales, you may come across the term “customer game” late in life, as I did.  What is a customer game?  It’s when you are playing golf, chess, racketball or some other game with your customer and, although you are better, you let them win.

If you are having an argument with them, the customer is always right, even when you know they’re not.  Sometimes you have to play a customer game in an argument and let them win.

If you are in business, your customers are crucial to your success. They are how you make your living.  You want them to be happy.  That is why you let them win.

If you work for someone else, then think of your boss as your customer.

That doesn’t mean you have to be fake or insincere.  But it doesn’t take a lot to smile, be attentive, pleasant and courteous.  If you took your customers for granted and treated them poorly, they would not stick around for very long.

Now, today’s tip for staying married: Treat your spouse as well as you treat your customers and let them win a customer game once in a while.