I think there is a rage reaction lurking in all of us.  Most of us keep it under control.   But emotions are strong and they can overwhelm logical thinking.

I’ve had clients who have let their anger involve them in domestic violence.  I’ve had clients who have directed their anger inwardly and tried to commit suicide.  When I asked them why, they said something like “I don’t know.  I just snapped.”

My advice?  No matter what happens in your divorce, get control of your anger.  And have a big flashing neon sign in the back of your mind that says “The best revenge is living well.”

“Self-compassion—a combination of kindness toward oneself, recognition of common humanity, and the ability to let painful emotions pass, says psychologist David A. Sbarra “can promote resilience and positive outcomes in the face of divorce.”

According to Dr. Sbarra,” Understanding your loss as part of bigger human experience helps assuage feelings of isolation.  Mindfulness—noting jealousy or anger without judgment or rumination—lets you turn your mind to life in the present without getting stuck in the past.”

Dr. Sbarra believes that self-compassion can be learned and should be part of counseling for people going through a divorce.

If that doesn’t work, or you don’t want to do it, I’ll do it for you by sending a lawyer’s letter to your spouse to begin negotiations on a separation agreement.

Today, however, I found a better answer in a thoughtful article by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. in Psychology Today, which I am going to start giving to clients who ask me that question.  She says, you don’t want to bring it up in anger, or to punish, shape up, or shake up the other person.  And you don’t have to mention divorce every time it passes through your head.

Instead she counsels basic fairness.  She says it’s not fair to conceal crucial facts that affect your partner.  Divorce should never come out of the blue.  Talk frankly about divorce with your spouse and first give your spouse a chance of deciding whether to make the necessary changes to make your marriage work.

“We had lost our wives and husbands. We had lost our best friends. We had lost sex. We had lost our children. We had lost our animals. We had lost our homes. We had lost our furniture. We had lost our gardens. Our incomes had severely plummeted. There were new therapists to pay, and lawyers to pay, and moving costs to pay. Some of us had to replace even the spices in our cupboards and the toilet brushes behind the bowls. We moved without screwdrivers, without our art, without our shampoo.”

“I always think it’s better to settle than litigate if you can,” said Tom, pausing to take a puff on his pipe.  “Most cases settle.  There are not enough courthouses and judges to try all the cases that are filed.”

“When is the right time to ask?” Harry said as he fell into his office chair.

“Settlement negotiations and litigation proceed on parallel railroad tracks toward the trial date.”  Tom’s pipe went out and there was a moment’s silence as refilled it with tobacco.  “You can settle at any time before trial.  I’ve had trials settle on the  courthouse steps on the day of trial and one even settled at the noon recess after a half day of trial.  People settle for all kinds of different reasons, and you never know when they are ready to settle, so I keep asking every time I get a chance during the litigation process.”

“But do you think it will show weakness or desperation on my part that will cause me to lose bargaining power in the negotiations?”  asked Harry.

“I think it shows strength and confidence,” Tom replied, while relighting his pipe.  “You don’t have to settle on terms you think are unreasonable and you don’t have to bid against yourself.  But it never hurts to let the other side know that the door to good faith settlement discussions swings open on easy hinges.”

“Great.  I’m going to call her.  I can’t thank you enough for this advice.”

“Yes, you can.  When you get my bill.”

– Diane Mercer & Katie Jane Wennechuk, “Making Divorce Work”

The Virginia Lawyer’s Weekly reports that Dorsk said in his Motion for Continuance, “In support of this motion, the Defendant’s counsel represents to the Court that the undersigned is getting married on May 28, 2011, and has planned a honeymoon thereafter.  In order to preserve and ensure a future of marital harmony and bliss Counsel respectfully requests that this continuance be granted.”

We won’t know whether the judge would have granted the motion or not because the defendant decided to plead guilty and the trial was canceled.

It’s free at Tut.com.  You just answer a couple of questions, and  then you will start receiving a personalized note from the universe every weekday morning.  They are clever, funny, profound and empowering.  Here’s a sample:

The best way to find “love,” which, incidentally, is just as true for finding money, is to focus less on these by-products of a life well lived and more on a life well lived.

Simple is as simple does.

The Universe

PS:  Dance life’s dance, today, without preconditions.

Here’s a story from CNN.com about a bickering couple who found a way to resolve their conflicts on the verge of divorce.  Akilah and Kris Richards, both in their early 30s, married eight years ago.  They have two young children.

“I liked that Kris was really laid-back,” says Akilah, “and he appreciated my big personality.”  But shortly after their marriage, these qualities started to become sources of irritation and they began arguing almost constantly.

Things came to a head one night when Kris gave their daughter a stern reprimand for climbing onto a stage during a performance.  Akilah angrily told Kris he was overreacting.  They began to fight and Akilah announced she wanted a divorce.

They agreed to a rehearsal of what they would say to their chlidren.  They found themselves discussing instead their different styles of communication.  Kris felt like Akilah was cross-examining him.  Akilah felt Kris would withdraw instead of talking to her.  They agreed to set aside some time to think things through before trying to resolve them.

“A lot of people have a misconception that marriage is the culmination of a relationship,” says Kris. “Far from it. Marriage is a constant process of finding the best possible way to connect with another person–and that’s what Akilah and I want from each other.”

1. destructive (yelling and screaming)
2. withdrawal (keeping quiet or leaving), and
3. constructive (trying to solve the problem calmly).

Destructive conflict most often led to divorce.  Couples where one partner fought constructively but the other withdrew also had a high rate of divorce.

One of the researchers, Kira Birditt, said, “I think it’s important to try to work together to constructively solve problems. The closer you are, the more problems you have but you have to be really careful about how you deal with it when you have them. You should think before you react and try to say things calmly when you’re upset and it’s better to talk about problems than to avoid them or to scream or yell.”