Guest article by Diana Mercer, Esquire

If you know your settlement goals and priorities, you’ve had a thorough conversation with your lawyer about the range of settlement, and you’ve done some soul searching yet you simply can’t live with the most recent offers that are on the table, then a trial is your remaining option.

The good news is that few cases come to that point. About 95% of all divorce cases settle before you get to trial.  But it happens, and it’s serious business.  It’s time consuming, nerve-wracking, and incredibly expensive.  Back when I was a litigation attorney, I enjoyed going to trial because it gave me a chance to practice what I was trained to do in law school.  But I rarely encouraged clients to go to trial because even a mediocre settlement would likely net them more than a great judgment after a trial, taking into account the litigation costs, time away from work, and wear and tear on their soul.

Inappropriate or non-existent settlement offers are legitimate reasons to try your case. But be sure that’s really what you’re haggling over, and that these issues aren’t just red herrings.  If you want to go to trial to prove a point, to tell your story, or to seek justice or revenge on your spouse you’re going to be very disappointed.  Backlogged courts don’t have time for lengthy testimony, and as dramatic as your story may be to you, it’s much too similar to thousands of other divorce stories for many judges to sit up and take notice.

So understand your motivations.  Your lawyer is worried about your legal case, asset division, securing support for you, and your parenting plan if you have children.  As the client, however you may be feeling a great deal of stress, grief, loss and anger over the situation and it’s hard to think about your settlement in such nuts and bolts terms.  Conflict between you and your lawyer may happen while you’re processing the emotional divorce while the lawyer views this essentially as a business deal.

While for the divorcing spouses a trial is both an economic and psychological decision, understand that judges are mostly concerned with providing a reasonably fair allocation of income and assets based on the laws of your state. They are not concerned with unraveling every transaction between you and your spouse. Fault issues like endless arguments and hurtful words may be at the forefront of your mind, but will probably seem minor to the judge.  After all, you’re the 30^th case he or she has seen today alone.

Don’t make the decision to try your case on moral grounds alone. This is essentially a business transaction, even if it doesn’t feel that way, and you need to decide how you can finalize your case in the least expensive (both in terms of money and wear and tear on you) way possible.  Don’t let your emotions get in the way of a good, solid business decision.

Preparing for a divorce trial

Forgiveness

If you are in the process of divorce or separation, you might be a little down in the dumps for the holidays.  But it’s the season for giving, so we thought we might cheer you up with these twelve free and useful gifts we pulled together from the Internet for you.

1. Free Visitation Schedules and Percentages
2. Free Child Support Calculator
3. Free Alimony Calculator
4. Free Online Financial Calculators
5. Free Interest Calculator for Judgments
6. Free Alimony Recapture Calculator
7. Free New Blog on Coping Strategies for Divorce Emotions
8. Free Notes from the Universe
9. Free Calendar and Messaging for Co-Parenting After Divorce
10. Free Sample Parenting Plan (PDF)
11. Free Divorce Coaching Interactive Program
12. Free Divorce Email Newsletter (Upper Right Corner of This Page)

Karen Stewart, President of Fairway Divorce Solutions, says that in addition to splitting up your CD’s in a divorce, you are also forced to cut off an entire social network that may have been nurtured for years.

“Within a circle of friends, you expect certain people to align with you,” Stewart is quoted as saying in a Toronto Sun article by Tanya Engberg.  “Friends can’t be in both camps, but often they don’t know what to do. Their normal stance is, ‘I think it’s best if I stay out of it,’ but that’s not the way it works. Your family and close friends can’t stay out of it.”

Divorce is an entire life overhaul.  In addition to the end of the romance, you have to accept the loss of your former spouse’s family members and friends that you have known for years.

“For me, I closed that chapter and started all over,” says a 41-year-old divorced father with two children.  “I maintained friendships for a short while, but it became uncomfortable. They do take sides, no matter what they tell you. Parents are always going to support their own child. If you want to start over, you have to cut ties with mutual friends and say goodbye to the in-laws.”

Stewart says that saying goodbye is tough, but inevitable.

“May you have a lawsuit in which you know you are right.”  – Ancient Chinese Curse

We all listen to that small voice inside our heads that says, “I’m right and if you don’t see that, then you’re crazy.”

Unfortunately, this can work against us.  It makes us stubbornly cling to positions without being able to see other options that might be beneficial.  I see this all the time in settlement negotiations and litigation.

It also happens in marriage as well.  The next time you argue with your spouse, ask yourself, “Would I rather be happy or be right?”  Being right is such a powerful attraction that many people would pick it over being happy.

I think one of my friends said it best.  “I only knew for sure I was right one time in my life.  And that time I turned out to be wrong.”

Why do people divorce?  Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, writes at psychologytoday.com that certain life events can cause people to decide to get a divorce.  She calls these pivotal events because they are life altering and cause people to make other changes in their lives.

Examples of pivotal events are a heart attack, parent dying, job loss and a car accident.  “Pivotal events cause people to question whether they are living their best life,” says Gadoua.  “Pivotal events often cause people to question what they really want and whether they are living their life to the fullest. People begin to scrutinize themselves, their job, spouse, home and friends. If any of these areas was lacking something or was in question prior to the event, it is very likely to receive a major overhaul.”

If you have a pivotal event in your life, Gadoua suggests that you:

• Do not make any other major life decisions in the next 90 days.
• Consider the impact of the event on others in your life.
• Seek another opinion from a friend or professional before you act.

Micah Toub, writing for Canada’s Globe and Mail, says he feels like his marriage was a success even though it ended in divorce.   While the bride and groom say they will stay together until death do us part, it doesn’t always work out that way.

Toub says the end of a marriage no longer leaves one with a scarlet ‘D’ on their relationship résumé.  Rather than view his marriage as a failure, Toub thinks it was a successful relationship.  “Unfortunately,” he says, “trying to perceive one’s ended marriage as a success doesn’t have a lot of cultural history.”

His ex-wife agrees and says,  “You would never say that was a lousy dinner party last night – everyone left.  And when you finish reading a book, you don’t think the book failed because it didn’t go on forever.”

David Code is a minister and author who says we all have a built in defense mechanism called scapegoating that allows us to blame others when life gets too stressful.

Scapegoating may have been useful for us when we were cave people, because it allows you to lay off stress on those around you, so you can concentrate on survival. But it can play havoc in a modern marriage when the most convenient scapegoat for your troubles is your spouse.

Being aware of the concept can go along way toward solving the problem. Criticizing your spouse or pointing out their faults may really be our own misdirected anxiety finding a nearby scapegoat. After all, if we had to take responsibility for our problems, we might also have to take responsibility for fixing them. It’s much easier to complain to our spouses.

This realization, says Code, may also allow you to give up searching for a Spouse-Upgrade. Thinking the grass is always greener is an illusion because our anxiety and scapegoating instincts will still be with us even if we have a different mate.

“We learn from the valleys, not from the hills.” — Miakoda in Shadowheart

LOVER, LOVER
by
Niemann Jerrod

Well the truth, well it hurts to say
I’m gonna pack up my bags and I’m gonna go away
I’m gonna split, I can’t stand it
I’m gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back

Girl but before I get to going, I’ve got to say,
I know you used to love me but that was yesterday,
And the truth, I won’t fight it,
When the love starts burning you got to do what’s right.

Woh-oh lover, lover lover, you don’t treat me no good no more,
Woh-oh lover, lover lover, you don’t treat me no good no more.