Jacqueline Getty married Gordon Peter Getty Jr., heir to the Getty fortune, in 2000.  TMZ reports that she has filed for divorce in Los Angelas seeking $539,201 per month in alimony to maintain the lifestyle she had while married, which included, among other things:

– $300,000 to $500,000 per year for clothing
– $50,000 for Halloween parties
– expensive jewelry including 5 carat diamond earrings
– $40,000 for birthday parties
– trips to the private Getty compound in Hawaii 3-4 times a year
– trips on the Getty private jet (Boeing 737)
– a one million dollar bed

As for Gordon’s ability to pay, Jacqueline says he would go on several trips a year without a suitcase and buy a whole new wardrobe when he arrived.

by Jill H. Breslau

Substance

When clients talk to me about divorce, their focus is usually on the substance, that is, the decisions that have to be made on issues like legal and physical custody of their children, child support, alimony, and how to divide their property.  It is, of course, critically important to make thoughtful and reasonable decisions on these topics.  If both parties can make them together, a judge won’t have to make them instead.  But what is the process for making these reasonable and thoughtful decisions?

Processes

• Litigation. If you go to a lawyer, the idea may naturally be that you will litigate your divorce.  This means filing a complaint in court, going through all the procedures for discovery to find out what your spouse earns, spends, owns, and owes, and finally providing all that information to a judge, who makes the decisions.  However, there are other processes that people don’t always consider.
• Mediation. Mediation is a process in which both parties sit down with a neutral mediator who facilitates their discussion.  If they reach an agreement, the mediator may draft an agreement for them, or they may ask one lawyer to draft the agreement and one to review it.  Then their agreement forms the basic guidelines that they will be governed by post-divorce.
• Collaborative Law. Another process is collaborative law, in which both parties have lawyers and everyone agrees to engage in problem-solving, rather than in litigation.  They may also choose to have a financial neutral, who helps figure out the best financial options for the family, or psychologists who act as coaches to help them manage their emotions during a trying time, or a child specialist to assist them in making decisions for their children.

Values

These three processes, litigation, mediation, and collaboration, are all accepted by the legal system.  How do you choose?  Well, your choice will depend on several factors.  Your spouse’s willingness to engage in mediation or collaboration is fundamental, so if your spouse is determined to litigate, you can’t force another process.  Your finances may impact your decision.  But one element that influences your decision, often without being explicitly stated, is your own value system.  Are you naturally a fighter, and do you believe that divorce is a battle to be won?  Are you naturally a peacemaker, and do you believe in the possibility of cooperation and healing?  And if you are a little bit of both, what process will best help you build a foundation for your future?  Thinking about your values and hopes is important in divorce.  You can’t control how your spouse feels, but you can stay aware of the values that drive your own decisions and try to have a divorce that is consistent with who you are.

I couldn’t make up a better story than this news report at the Times of India.  Kevin Halstead, a 50 year old British bus driver, had a divorce that dragged on for two years.  When it was finally settled, he went out and got drunk with a group of his friends.

The next day, he decided he would use his last quid (about a buck fifty) to buy a lottery ticket.   On Sunday when he got up, he checked the morning paper and, you guessed it, he won.  His prize was 1.15 million pounds (that’s $1,773,990).

His wife Helen took the news well.  “We’ve been separated a long time. We are the best of friends. In fact, we get on better now than when we were married,” she said.  “It couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloke. I wish him all the luck in the world – he deserves it.”

A few years ago one of our lawyers described our typical divorce case like this.  A couple marries, buys a house, divorces three years later, sells the house and each spouse walks away with $50,000.  If they weren’t married, they would be happy with this partnership and call it successful, instead of hating each other.

But in this market, housing prices have plummeted to values sometimes below the balance due on the mortgage.  Divorce negotiations have turned from how to split up the sales proceeds to who gets stuck with the house.

Even when one spouse agrees to take over the underwater house and the mortgage payments, the other spouse may have to keep their name on the mortgage which may make it difficult to buy another house.

Read more.

On the way to work I listen to the Sports Junkies on the radio.  They reported this morning that Redskins Owner Dan Snyder had paid $600,000 for two alligator desks and two chairs.

I tried to contrast this with a television interview I saw last night with author and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer .  Dyer says he has made the shift away from away from acquiring things.  He has stopped listening to his ego.  He gives away all the money he makes as a speaker because he doesn’t need it.  He has left his ambitiousness behind in pursuit of spiritual tranquility. Ironically, he said, he makes more money now than ever.

Dyer asked a question that made me think about my divorce clients struggling to divide income and assets through negotiation and litigation.  If I had two magic wands and one could give you whatever material possession you wanted and the other could give you peace of mind no matter what happens to you, which one would you choose?

by Jill H. Breslau

I never imagined that I’d be suggesting that a retreat is like a divorce, but it is, in more than one way.  It is a time when ordinary life, life as you know it, is suspended for a while, as you make decisions about how you would like things to be in the future.

The decisions you eventually make are not necessarily the same decisions you would make on Day 1.  I began my retreat, for example thinking about what was not working in my life and determined to root out whatever character flaws perpetuated my problems.  By the end of the retreat, my focus had shifted from pinning down my failures to owning my strengths—a welcome transformation.

If I had made a decision for my future based on my thoughts at the end of Day 1, I would have felt fearful, self-blaming, and full of disappointment.  In giving myself time to engage in the retreat process—not unlike a divorce process—I emerged in a clearer, more confident mood.       Yes, there are some decisions you have to make right now.  And there are emergency situations in which delay is not appropriate.  But generally, it helps if you can maintain the status quo to the greatest extent possible and give yourself time for the big decisions.  Then, as the process unfolds, you can move forward into your future, making choices with more clarity and confidence.

The Telegraph in the U.K. reports that one in five divorce petitions filed by Divorce-Online contain references to Facebook.

The divorce lawyers claim that social websites like Facebook fuel divorces because they tempt people to cheat on their spouses.  They cite inappropriate sexual chats or flirty emals and messages discovered by suspicious spouses.

JR Raphael at PC World sees it differently.  The problem is not Facebook he says.  The problem is cheating spouses.  Facebook is only the medium.

“To hide one lie, a thousand lies are needed.”
- Saying in India

Tiger Woods found out the hard way.

If you are going to cheat, your spouse will find out about it.  There are no secrets.  Your paramour will tell somebody or somebody will see you together.  That somebody will tell someone else.  Eventually word will get back to your spouse.

Actions have consequences.  You may think they don’t, but they do.  Ask any divorce lawyer.  If you’re going to play, you have to pay.  Think about the consequences before you act.  Is it worth the cost?

You choose your actions.  You can choose to be faithful and committed to your marriage or not.  But affairs don’t just happen.  People don’t fall out of love with their spouses.  They make a choice.  What choices are you making in your life?

CHAPTER FOUR – PLAYING A CUSTOMER GAME

If you are not in sales, you may come across the term “customer game” late in life, as I did.  What is a customer game?  It’s when you are playing golf, chess, racketball or some other game with your customer and, although you are better, you let them win.

If you are having an argument with them, the customer is always right, even when you know they’re not.  Sometimes you have to play a customer game in an argument and let them win.

If you are in business, your customers are crucial to your success. They are how you make your living.  You want them to be happy.  That is why you let them win.

If you work for someone else, then think of your boss as your customer.

That doesn’t mean you have to be fake or insincere.  But it doesn’t take a lot to smile, be attentive, pleasant and courteous.  If you took your customers for granted and treated them poorly, they would not stick around for very long.

Now, today’s tip for staying married: Treat your spouse as well as you treat your customers and let them win a customer game once in a while.

Divorce cases are either contested or uncontested.  If the Answer to the Complaint denies one or more of the statements contained in the Complaint, then you have a contested case.

A case is uncontested if you have a comprehensive Separation Agreement, in writing that is signed by both parties.  In other words, to have an uncontested case, you and your spouse must be in agreement on grounds, custody, child support, alimony and property distribution and every other issue in your divorce.

Sometimes a client will tell us they have an uncontested case, but when we ask they have no Separation Agreement.  They may tell us the have everything worked out, but once we get into the details of visitation, debt division, valuing pensions and the like we find that they are not in agreement.  Following a lot of negotiation, we finally come to terms and sign the negotiated agreement.  Then we can file a Complaint for an uncontested divorce.

Divorce Law Indiana has a good post on this topic called “Uncontested Divorces — Do They Exist?”