On the way to work I listen to the Sports Junkies on the radio.  They reported this morning that Redskins Owner Dan Snyder had paid $600,000 for two alligator desks and two chairs.

I tried to contrast this with a television interview I saw last night with author and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer .  Dyer says he has made the shift away from away from acquiring things.  He has stopped listening to his ego.  He gives away all the money he makes as a speaker because he doesn’t need it.  He has left his ambitiousness behind in pursuit of spiritual tranquility. Ironically, he said, he makes more money now than ever.

Dyer asked a question that made me think about my divorce clients struggling to divide income and assets through negotiation and litigation.  If I had two magic wands and one could give you whatever material possession you wanted and the other could give you peace of mind no matter what happens to you, which one would you choose?

by Jill H. Breslau

I never imagined that I’d be suggesting that a retreat is like a divorce, but it is, in more than one way.  It is a time when ordinary life, life as you know it, is suspended for a while, as you make decisions about how you would like things to be in the future.

The decisions you eventually make are not necessarily the same decisions you would make on Day 1.  I began my retreat, for example thinking about what was not working in my life and determined to root out whatever character flaws perpetuated my problems.  By the end of the retreat, my focus had shifted from pinning down my failures to owning my strengths—a welcome transformation.

If I had made a decision for my future based on my thoughts at the end of Day 1, I would have felt fearful, self-blaming, and full of disappointment.  In giving myself time to engage in the retreat process—not unlike a divorce process—I emerged in a clearer, more confident mood.       Yes, there are some decisions you have to make right now.  And there are emergency situations in which delay is not appropriate.  But generally, it helps if you can maintain the status quo to the greatest extent possible and give yourself time for the big decisions.  Then, as the process unfolds, you can move forward into your future, making choices with more clarity and confidence.

The Telegraph in the U.K. reports that one in five divorce petitions filed by Divorce-Online contain references to Facebook.

The divorce lawyers claim that social websites like Facebook fuel divorces because they tempt people to cheat on their spouses.  They cite inappropriate sexual chats or flirty emals and messages discovered by suspicious spouses.

JR Raphael at PC World sees it differently.  The problem is not Facebook he says.  The problem is cheating spouses.  Facebook is only the medium.

“To hide one lie, a thousand lies are needed.”
- Saying in India

Tiger Woods found out the hard way.

If you are going to cheat, your spouse will find out about it.  There are no secrets.  Your paramour will tell somebody or somebody will see you together.  That somebody will tell someone else.  Eventually word will get back to your spouse.

Actions have consequences.  You may think they don’t, but they do.  Ask any divorce lawyer.  If you’re going to play, you have to pay.  Think about the consequences before you act.  Is it worth the cost?

You choose your actions.  You can choose to be faithful and committed to your marriage or not.  But affairs don’t just happen.  People don’t fall out of love with their spouses.  They make a choice.  What choices are you making in your life?

CHAPTER FOUR – PLAYING A CUSTOMER GAME

If you are not in sales, you may come across the term “customer game” late in life, as I did.  What is a customer game?  It’s when you are playing golf, chess, racketball or some other game with your customer and, although you are better, you let them win.

If you are having an argument with them, the customer is always right, even when you know they’re not.  Sometimes you have to play a customer game in an argument and let them win.

If you are in business, your customers are crucial to your success. They are how you make your living.  You want them to be happy.  That is why you let them win.

If you work for someone else, then think of your boss as your customer.

That doesn’t mean you have to be fake or insincere.  But it doesn’t take a lot to smile, be attentive, pleasant and courteous.  If you took your customers for granted and treated them poorly, they would not stick around for very long.

Now, today’s tip for staying married: Treat your spouse as well as you treat your customers and let them win a customer game once in a while.

Divorce cases are either contested or uncontested.  If the Answer to the Complaint denies one or more of the statements contained in the Complaint, then you have a contested case.

A case is uncontested if you have a comprehensive Separation Agreement, in writing that is signed by both parties.  In other words, to have an uncontested case, you and your spouse must be in agreement on grounds, custody, child support, alimony and property distribution and every other issue in your divorce.

Sometimes a client will tell us they have an uncontested case, but when we ask they have no Separation Agreement.  They may tell us the have everything worked out, but once we get into the details of visitation, debt division, valuing pensions and the like we find that they are not in agreement.  Following a lot of negotiation, we finally come to terms and sign the negotiated agreement.  Then we can file a Complaint for an uncontested divorce.

Divorce Law Indiana has a good post on this topic called “Uncontested Divorces — Do They Exist?”

You have to have oral testimony by the plaintiff, in person, and in the courtroom, to obtain a divorce.  Family Law Section 1-203 and Rule 9-209.

That testimony has to be corroborated by someone or something other than the parties to the divorce.  Family Law Section 7-101(b).   A marriage certificate can corroborate the marriage.  A notarized written agreement signed before the complaint was filed can corroborate a mutual and voluntary separation.  Family Law Section 1-104.

But most of your testimony is corroborated by a witness.  That testimony also has to be oral and in court “unless otherwise ordered by the court for good cause”.  Rule 9-209.

What is good cause?  The court has allowed me to use telephone testimony in a handful of cases where the corroborating witness was a geographically distant relative or a busy mental health professional.  In one uncontested divorce, I was permitted to corroborate adultery with the deposition transcript of the paramour, but the judge let me know he would have preferred live testimony.  If you are going to try to corroborate without a witness in the courtroom, call the judge’s clerk or secretary before the trial to make sure it will be permitted.

Related Articles:  Corroboration, You Have to Testify to Get Divorced

“My toughest fight was with my first wife.” – Muhammad Ali

Mary Louise Davis married John Franklin Davis, Jr. in 1958.  Sixteen years and three children later, Mrs. Davis, together with her six-year-old daughter Leigh, left the marital home and moved into an apartment.  Mr. Davis filed for divorce in Maryland on the ground of his wife’s adultery, and asked for custody of the children.

Judge Latham, after a custody investigation and a hearing, awarded custody of Leigh to the mother.  The father appealed to the Court of Special Appeals, which reversed the judge.  The Court said the father should have custody of Leigh because the mother had failed to show repentance for her adultery.

The mother appealed to the Court of Appeals.  The Court of Appeals held:

“Whereas the fact of adultery may be a relevant consideration in child custody awards, no presumption of unfitness on the part of the adulterous parent arises from it; rather it should be weighed, along with all other pertinent factors, only insofar as it affects the child’s welfare.”

The Court said the primary determination was the best interest of the child.  In determining this, Judge Latham had taken into account that Leigh had been living with her mother alone for the past two years and was adjusted to this arrangement; that she was doing well in school and was adequately provided for at home; that even though Mrs. Davis had engaged in adulterous conduct in the past, there was no  showing that it had ever deleteriously affected Leigh; and that Mrs. Davis had engaged in no sexual misconduct since February 1975.

So Leigh got to stay with her mother.

Davis v. Davis, 280 Md. 119; 372 A.2d 231 (1977)

Cathy Meyer, Divorce Guide at About.com, has launched a new emagazine called, Divorced Women Online.  It is shock full of interesting articles like:

The Sweetness of Life After Divorce
The Divorcee Stereotype Is Alive and Well
The Dating Doom & Gloom Bandwagon

and my personal favorite (because I wrote it), Divorce Advice for Women.  So click on the link and look around.  You may even be inspired to contribute your own article.