Scott Dekraai, 41, allegedly walked into the beauty salon where his ex-wife worked and killed her and seven other people yesterday in Seal Beach, California.  They were involved in a bitter custody battle over their 8 year old son.

I think there is a rage reaction lurking in all of us.  Most of us keep it under control.   But emotions are strong and they can overwhelm logical thinking.

I’ve had clients who have let their anger involve them in domestic violence.  I’ve had clients who have directed their anger inwardly and tried to commit suicide.  When I asked them why, they said something like “I don’t know.  I just snapped.”

My advice?  No matter what happens in your divorce, get control of your anger.  And have a big flashing neon sign in the back of your mind that says “The best revenge is living well.”

by Jill H. Breslau

I never imagined that I’d be suggesting that a retreat is like a divorce, but it is, in more than one way.  It is a time when ordinary life, life as you know it, is suspended for a while, as you make decisions about how you would like things to be in the future.

The decisions you eventually make are not necessarily the same decisions you would make on Day 1.  I began my retreat, for example thinking about what was not working in my life and determined to root out whatever character flaws perpetuated my problems.  By the end of the retreat, my focus had shifted from pinning down my failures to owning my strengths—a welcome transformation.

If I had made a decision for my future based on my thoughts at the end of Day 1, I would have felt fearful, self-blaming, and full of disappointment.  In giving myself time to engage in the retreat process—not unlike a divorce process—I emerged in a clearer, more confident mood.       Yes, there are some decisions you have to make right now.  And there are emergency situations in which delay is not appropriate.  But generally, it helps if you can maintain the status quo to the greatest extent possible and give yourself time for the big decisions.  Then, as the process unfolds, you can move forward into your future, making choices with more clarity and confidence.

Someone once told me you only have to practice divorce law for six months before you become a social worker.  I like to think I am pretty attuned to the emotional aspects of divorce, but every once in awhile, I get a situation that stumps me.

In those cases, I call on my experts, namely (a) my wife who intuitively knows far more about relationships than I ever will, and (b) a friend who works in sales and is a genius in these matters.  I keep the names confidential but describe the problem to them in general terms.

Today, I got in one of those situations.  I was negotiating by email with a lawyer on a case in litigation.  We were pretty close in dollars to a settlement.

I wrote, “Why don’t we settle this case.”  I was surprised by his answer.

“The problem is the way your client treats me and everyone else connected with me.”

How in the world do you respond to that?  I am trained to solve legal problems.  But this is not a legal problem.  So I ask my experts.

My wife took a practical straightforward approach.  She said I should say, “Look, we all want to get this over as quickly, expeditiously and amicably as possible.”

My friend in sales had another approach.  He suggested “If you will write me about the specifics, I will speak with my client about it.”   Always ask questions.  Sometimes, when the other side has to write it out, and think about it, they look at what they have written and decide it is not all that important anyway.

I decided that both approaches were excellent, so I combined them into one email.  I will be interested to see what response I get.

Fear is a prevalent emotion during a divorce.  And there are a lot of things to be afraid of, like:

• An uncertain future
• Financial hardships
• Loneliness
• Unhappiness

“I have many great fears of my pending divorce. I’m afraid of my kids looking at another man as a second dad. Though we have agreed on joint custody of our 4-year-old boy and unborn child, that still means they will be with her next husband the same amount of time I am. I’m afraid that I will never be as happy with anyone else as I have been with my wife. I know I will get jealous of her being with another man – being intimate with him, telling him she loves him. It tears me apart inside.” Andy’s Dad at Divorce360.com

Andy says his wife was his one true love.  But let me tell you one of the Secrets of the Universe.  True loves are like street cars.  There’s another one coming along every five minutes.

Here’s another Secret of the Universe.  You only meet your one true love after you have lost your one true love.  Just ask my clients who have remarried.

Andy’s Dad’s fears are reasonable, but given time, they will become less and less important to him.  His life will become complicated with new relationships.  Eventually his fears will fade, and his feelings will become peace, tranquility, serenity and happiness.

What are your divorce fears?  Feel free to leave them in the comments section.

?“I remember clearly those awful days during my divorce where I would literally feel sick to my stomach. It seemed like the pain would never go away. The divorce consumed my life at the time and wondered if I would ever feel good again.” – Christina Rowe

Anxiety is a common human emotion. People will find something to worry about even when times are good. When going through a divorce, you will find many things to worry about, and you will have good reason to worry. Even if I tell you not to worry, you will worry.

Depression is another fairly common experience in divorce. If you are going through a divorce and you feel uncertain, insecure, or depressed, then you have a normal problem. But if you are going through a divorce and you feel no uncertainty, insecurity, or depression, then you may have a bigger problem.

Divorce is crazy time. When going through a divorce:

Your ears don’t work.
Your eyes don’t work.
Your mouth doesn’t work.
Your head doesn’t work.

You may not hear or understand everything that is said, you don’t always say what you mean, you may not perceive things correctly, and you may exercise poor judgment.

So if you are feeling depressed right now, or anxious, or crazy, welcome to the club. You are not alone. In fact, you may be joining the majority. And while this is not a particularly pleasant life lesson, you will survive it, and become much stronger and wiser in the process.

Sometimes a divorce client of mine will tell me her husband is “not emotionally available.” I always nod my head like I understand, but to tell you the truth I have no idea what those words mean.

I know what emotion is. I know the difference between Spock and McCoy on Start Trek. Spock is a Vulcan ruled by logic with no emotions at all. McCoy is the ship doctor who is caring and compassionate. Captain Kirk embodies the best of both.

I know what it means to be available or not. But put those words together and I, like most males, am dumbfounded. We have a hard time getting our brains around the concept. I kid my wife sometimes that women should come with a translation book.

I happened to mention this at the old boy’s club, which in my case is the gym where I play racketball. All the guys there agreed they had been told they were emotionally unavailable by a woman at some point in their lives, but no one knew what it meant.

Except David. David is in sales and marketing and has taken a lot of seminars. Therefore he is wise in the ways of the world. To our surprise, David said, “Oh, I know what it means.” A hush fell over the court as we listened intently.

“Every morning when I wake up I say the same thing to my wife. I go through a litany. I have it memorized. It goes like this.”

“Oh, darling, you are so beautiful. You are the most beautiful woman in the world. I am so lucky you married me. You look so good today. I’m not sure I’m going to let you go to work. Someone might try to steal you away from me.”

I blinked. I blinked again. “That’s it? That’s all there is to it?”

“Try it,” he said. “I guarantee you will never be called emotionally unavailable again.”