“You got done in an afternoon what the others couldn’t get done in the previous 30 days.” – A Happy Client

Here is what I did:

1. picked up the phone and called the other lawyer.

2. listened carefully to the other side’s position and what they wanted.

3. broke the problem down into two separate issues.

4. problem solved one issue at a time.

5. picked up the phone and told my client what the other side wanted, item by item.

6. pointed out to both sides that their interests were the same.

7. gave them win/win options.

8.  didn’t just argue my client’s position.

Phone calls are better than letters and emails to get things done because you have the opportunity to ask questions, clarify misunderstanding, explore options and give feedback.

Sometimes I draft a Separation Agreement, send it to the other side, and receive a response that says “My client rejects your proposal.”

Or the other side will send me a proposal and my client says, “It’s ridiculous.  I don’t like anything about it.”

Both responses leave something to be desired in moving the case forward.  So my reply is always, “What, specifically, don’t you like about it?”

This simple question seems to disengage emotion and engage logic.  Once I get the other side, or my client, going through the document item by item, we can discuss options, concessions and counterproposals.  I put these in a letter to the other side and we can then focus only on the objections, which narrows the issues to be negotiated.

Divorce cases are either contested or uncontested.  If the Answer to the Complaint denies one or more of the statements contained in the Complaint, then you have a contested case.

A case is uncontested if you have a comprehensive Separation Agreement, in writing that is signed by both parties.  In other words, to have an uncontested case, you and your spouse must be in agreement on grounds, custody, child support, alimony and property distribution and every other issue in your divorce.

Sometimes a client will tell us they have an uncontested case, but when we ask they have no Separation Agreement.  They may tell us the have everything worked out, but once we get into the details of visitation, debt division, valuing pensions and the like we find that they are not in agreement.  Following a lot of negotiation, we finally come to terms and sign the negotiated agreement.  Then we can file a Complaint for an uncontested divorce.

Divorce Law Indiana has a good post on this topic called “Uncontested Divorces — Do They Exist?”

When Process Is More Important Than Price

Sam’s Story

Sam, a lawyer friend of mine, goes to a flee market and sees an ornate, antique grandfather clock that he likes.  “How much for that clock?” he asks.

“This clock is truly beautiful, is she not?” says the owner, a man with a handlebar moustache, who lovingly puts his arms around the clock.  “A true heirloom.  I am sad to see it go, but I will reluctantly part with it for $1,500.”

“Is that the best you can do?” says Sam who is known in legal circles for his negotiating skills.  “I’ll give you $400 for it.”

“I could not possibly accept $400,” says the owner, “but for you, today only, if you pay with cash, I will sell it for $1,400.”

The bargainers go back and forth, parry and thrust, feints and jabs, until finally, a long time later, a deal is struck and the clock is sold to Sam for $800.

Bill’s Story

Bill, a banker I know, goes to the same flea market on the same day and spies an ornate, antique grandfather clock.  He inquires about the price and is told it is $800.  He says, “I’ll take it.”

Both men leave with their grandfather clocks.  Which one do you think is most satisfied with his new purchase?

So it is with divorce negotiations.  There is a rush to get to the final numbers.  But if one party feels rushed, they may dig in their heels.  Sometimes people just need the process of settlement discussions to feel satisfied with the final outcome.

TGC Attorneys James J. Gross and Nelson A. Garcia will speak at the Commission for Women tonight at 7:00 pm on Negotiating a Separation Agreement with Your Spouse.

The seminar will include the advantages of an agreement over a contested divorce, what to include in an agreement, tips and tactics, strategies for negotiation, the different stages of negotiation and different negotiation techniques.

The cost is $20.  Call (240) 777-8300 for more information.  The Commission for Women is located at 401 N. Washington Street, Rockville, Maryland.

Someone once told me you only have to practice divorce law for six months before you become a social worker.  I like to think I am pretty attuned to the emotional aspects of divorce, but every once in awhile, I get a situation that stumps me.

In those cases, I call on my experts, namely (a) my wife who intuitively knows far more about relationships than I ever will, and (b) a friend who works in sales and is a genius in these matters.  I keep the names confidential but describe the problem to them in general terms.

Today, I got in one of those situations.  I was negotiating by email with a lawyer on a case in litigation.  We were pretty close in dollars to a settlement.

I wrote, “Why don’t we settle this case.”  I was surprised by his answer.

“The problem is the way your client treats me and everyone else connected with me.”

How in the world do you respond to that?  I am trained to solve legal problems.  But this is not a legal problem.  So I ask my experts.

My wife took a practical straightforward approach.  She said I should say, “Look, we all want to get this over as quickly, expeditiously and amicably as possible.”

My friend in sales had another approach.  He suggested “If you will write me about the specifics, I will speak with my client about it.”   Always ask questions.  Sometimes, when the other side has to write it out, and think about it, they look at what they have written and decide it is not all that important anyway.

I decided that both approaches were excellent, so I combined them into one email.  I will be interested to see what response I get.

There are a lot of hurt feelings in divorce.  These frequently hinder settlement negotiations and mediation.  Sometimes you can’t get to the financial resolution because you haven’t dealt with the hurt feelings.

“Many mediations are centrally about a damaged relationship,” writes Dr. Carl Schneider.  “Trust has been broken. When offered with integrity and timing, an apology can be a critically important moment in mediation. An apology, when acknowledged, can restore trust.”

I have followed Dr. Schneider’s advice in mediations and encouraged clients to give sincere, ritual and witnessed apologies.  It doesn’t always work, but when it does, it has moved mountains in some cases.  It is surprising to see how an appropriate apology can melt resistance and open doors that have previously been closed.