As I kiss my wife goodbye this morning, she says “Have a nice day.”

“I would,” I tell her, “but my enemies have other plans.”

I received another one of those letters that annoy me from opposing counsel today.  This one starts out by saying the wife is disappointed in the husband’s settlement offer.

It would surprise me one day to receive a letter that says opposing counsel’s client is delighted by my client’s settlement offer.

He might as well be telling me that it is raining outside or the sun is shining.  Thanks for the weather report, but what does that have to do with the business at hand?  The letter goes on for three pages of counterproposals, but I am already put in a too bad a mood by his beginning to view them with much favor.

That is why I always try to begin such letters with something like, “Thank you for your proposal.  It was a pleasure speaking with you.  I look forward to trying to settle this case with you.”  You get the idea.  People are more likely to settle cases with people they like than people they don’t like.

“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

Socrates

Joe the Plumber stopped by to see me about his divorce today. “I worked all these years using my own blood, sweat and tears to build up my business. She wants part of it. And Barack Obama wants some of it.”

“Come on, Joe, it’s not that bad. Let’s look at it more carefully,” I say. “Obama’s tax plan provides a $3,000 tax credit for every new job you create, a reduction in taxes if you make less than $250,000 a year, and no capital gains if you sell your business.”

“It doesn’t sound so bad when you put it that way. But what about my wife? She never worked a day during our marriage,” says Joe.

“Your wife gave up her own career to raise your kids and make a home for you so that you were able to work so hard to build up your business. The law provides that the judge has to consider, among other factors, the contributions, monetary and nonmonetary, of each party.”

“So what you’re telling me,” says Joe, “is that I have two silent partners in my business – my lazy Uncle Sam and my wife.”

“That’s one way of looking at it, Joe,” I tell him. “Where are you going?”

As Joe leaves my office, he turns and says, “I’m going to see if my wife wants to buy my plumbing business.”

‘This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my money and I still have a wife.’

-Unnamed Investor

“My wife says I never listen to her…or something like that.”

– Glenn Davis